The baby

On Sunday I had the sudden realization that I hadn't felt the baby move much in a while. So I started to pay attention. I mean, I think I've gone through that with every pregnancy I've had.. a fleeting feeling that the baby hasn't moved much. Over the past few days as I have really paid attention to fetal movements I have been a bit concerned. All I was feeling was really faint movement, that I couldn't definitively say for sure was the baby.

I called my Dr's office yesterday, and unfortunately, my doctor has just had a baby and is out on maternity leave. They suggested I go to the hospital, labor and delivery, and have then monitor fetal movements for a bit. I was reluctant to go. Our medical insurance really isn't very good and I didn't want to end up with this huge bill when everything was probaby okay. I tried to get a referral to the emergency backup doctor, but he was booked out and suggested the same think, that I go to the hospital. So I called Andy and made arrangements for the kids so we could head over when Andy got home from work.

Once we got to the hospital it was pretty clear from the staff that they see a lot of concerned mommies, and it wasn't that big a deal. We went through registration and right back to a triage room. When the nurse first began to search for a heart beat the first thing we heart was a big rushing, rolling, sound and she said it sounded like the baby was definatly active and rolling around. Over the next 30 seconds as she was having a hard time locating the heart beat things got a bit more serious. After no luck with the first bit of equipment, she pulled out the standard heat rate monitor that the doctor usually uses. I'm sorry, I don't remember the names of the equipment. She tried with the second monitor and still wasn't having any luck, and called the charge nurse. She tried again, and then called for the ultrasound machine. With the ultra sound machine there is a small little display screen off to the side and then the large big monitor where you can usually see all the details. They kept the large monitor turned off.

Without telling me too much, the charge nurse said she was not seeing any movement and went to page the oncall OB. It was a bit confusing since my dr. is on leave, and her back up doctor still appeared on the hospital records as having medical privileges at the hospital I was at. When they called him, he had to tell them he was no longer practicing at their hospital, so then another doctor had to be located. It took a little longer than normal and the nurses were extremely appologetic.

When the OB arrived she confirmed what by now we already knew, that the baby was no longer alive. It was strange becuase no one actually said the words not living, or dead. But it was "no heartbeat," and "in this situation we usually induce within a couple days.. ."

I'm doing alright. Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I was so tired, but I couldn't turn off my brain. I'm so grateful for the knowledge I have of eternal families. I know that the spirit of my baby is forever linked to my family and that one day we will have the opportunity to be with him again. I had the distinct feeling last night that the Lord never specifies how long a spirit must occupy a body, only that a spirit must come to earth and recieve a body. Whether the baby is born alive, or lives to be 100 is irrelevent in the requirements from the Lord that the body and spirit have been united. My baby came to earth, and recieved his body, and how his time here is finished.

It doesn't make it less painful, the feelings of loss and disappointment, but I know I can get through this. I know were my baby's spirit is, and it's comforting.

I'm scared about what comes next. It didn't occure to me until after I spoke witht he OB that I still have to go through ALL of the regular changes that happen to a mother when she gives birth. Labor and delivery, milk coming in, postpardum depression, and then there are also all the decisions about the baby. Where to lay the body to rest, and everything that goes along with that. I'm scared. I don't want to have to face this.

If you pray, please pray for me.