Hope:
(noun) A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
(verb) Trust, Expect, Anticipate
I am emotionally challenged. Hugely emotionally challenged. I can't allow the consequences that come with vulnerability. As a result... when you build high fences... you are safe inside, but everyone is locked out. The good, the bad... and yes, even the ugly. There is no closeness, no pain, no happiness. Just you. Sometimes you is all you need.
I don't know how to allow myself to be vulnerable. I don't know how to even talk about this without freezing up. It just seems so unreasonable to put yourself into the position where someone could hurt you. HOW do you gain close, trusting, complete relationships without ever being vulnerable? I've been working on figuring that one out for the longest time. I haven't got the answer yet, but I'm sure it has to be possible. There are way too many happy people in beautiful relationships to believe they all have been open to vulnerability and pain. How could they be that happy if they have been hurt that bad? Vulnerability = pain. We all know that.
The problem lies in the inability to let anyone get close. If there is absolutely no vulnerability there is no opportunity to build trust. I want something more. I just don't know how to get there.
I don't know how, but I can hope.
And so I choose to hope. Hope for more. Hope for a solution. Hope for rapture... euphoria... and elation. More than the normal standard. More than average. More than closed, cut off...
More than what is simply SAFE.
Hope that what I want is possible. And hope that it can be achieved without the completely debilitating sting of hurt. Or at the minimum, that it is possible to recover from that kind of low.
Hope.
Hope.
Just hope.
Vulnerability feels like giving up, or giving in. Accepting things as they are and making myself susceptible to disappointment and pain regardless. Vulnerability feels like I can't expect that anything will change. Vulnerability feels like falling and falling hard. I realize that my perception is irrational, but that doesn't help me to change it. I'm not ready to commit to... well.. anything.
Hope.
To hope opens the door.
I can HOPE.
Allow myself to hope...
And so here is to HOPE for 2012.
xoxo
Cam
Will you have hope with me please?
6 comments:
Hope is a huge word. I can see it draped across your heart. It is lovely and strong and protective of a heart that is waiting for that moment when she realizes how deeply she is loved forever and always no matte what she does or does not do. I'm Pretty sure you are a closer than you might think to that place your heart longs for. I admire so many things about you. Your honesty is one of those things. To me it shows a vulnerability that you keep hidden.... I see you. Say your word often friend.....
I will have hope with you, my friend... to me you are the epitome of Brave Girl.
xoxo
sandi
yes i will "hope" with you if you will "trust" with me! are words go hand and hand. i love you cam and i am truly blessed to call you my friend. xo
hope it is girl!!!!
Hey Cam, I just finished the most amazing book, The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown lots of great info and reasons for vulnerability (I'm not real good at going there either). This book is really helping me make even more positive changes in the relationships in my life I am choosing to grow and nourish!! You can download it to your I-pad, hope you read it and hope you love it as much as I did. I think of you often and your struggles with this subject because I struggle here too! Love you, Shelley
Do you ever watch Dr. Phil? He has a lot of extremes in order to teach - but every now and then he has basic truth that really needs to be heard. One thing he says is that you can begin to trust others once you trust YOURSELF that you can handle it if they let you down. That you will still be okay. I like that statement a lot.
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