I need some sunshine.

Today is a cold and cloudy, rainy day. There is quite a bit going on in my mind that I want to write about.

I heard some song lyrics yesterday. I don't remember who the artist was, or the name of the song, or exactly how the lyrics were worded, but they said something about, "This isn't love, Love does not hurt."

Bull crap.

Whoever wrote that song has no concept of the word love. That sounds like a very young teen who's having a fight with her first boyfriend.

Of course love hurts. It's one of the greatest blessings of love to feel the hurt. It makes the joy so much stronger and real and tangable.

I've been very worried lately that I would forget about Vincent and stop loving him over time. Strength and answers have come from the most unexpected people. This email I received is too insightful to not share. I'm keeping the writters identity concealed for her privacy.

Cam, right now, your pain keeps you 'close' to him in spirit...that is true. you actually subconsciously associate grieving as your 'connection' to him. i think you are afraid time will pass...causing your grief to lessen...causing you to lose that connection. we can only hold our babies in spirit now...you have a heightened sense of losing that, so your fear is perfectly normal. there will come a time...for me, it was around 15 months after we lost [ ..]...that i had to 'consciously' let go of my 'grieving connection' to her. by that time, though, i had built *other connections* to her...

...you will do the same thing in your own way. grieving is *unique*...try to erase any expectations you have of how you are 'supposed' to feel and just let yourself *feel* what comes to you. *relax* into your grief. i dont mean to let it over-power you...just to come at it naturally...dont fight it...you simply cannot avoid it; so try to recognize it when it hits (it will surprise you) and walk through it. sometimes just recognizing it and having a good cry will release it until the next wave. spend this time honoring his memory in as many tangeable ways as possible...this process will build your connections to him. when you are ready, let go of the grief connection. grieving and the grief connection are 2 different things. after i let go of my grief connection, i was *celebrating her life MORE than i was mourning her death*.

She's absolutely right. I've been afraid as my grief was fading a little bit every week that my love for my baby was also going to fade. I'm not exactly sure how to disassociate my grief for Vincent with my love for him. Quite honestly, I know it's too early to even try.

I am beginging to find I've been in a bit of denial. I know my baby is gone, but it's just barely beginning to hit me, the permanance of what being gone means.

So many people have commented on how amazed they are by my strength. I don't think I am all that strong. I think I have been emotionally suspended in a state of feeling like this is all temporary. I know in the eternal perspective it is temporary, but eternity seems so far off when each day takes so long to pass. It's just beginning to hit me that I will wonder about what could have beens for Vincent for the rest of my life on earth. That seems like such a long time to be missing him.

I have a firm belief and knowledge of all the things I've been taught regarding where we come from and what happens after we leave this life. I know that knowledge has made it easier to accept and understand death, but it doesn't make the time pass any more quickly.

One month ago today, at this time, we were burying Vincent.

I forgot my camera!

Oh, I'm such a bad aunt! I forgot the camera when I went to visit Jill. I did remember the flowers, and balloons, and all my kids and my husband, but I forgot the camera. We took quite a few pictures with Jill's camera, but I won't have those pictures for probably several days.

Anyway, the baby is beautiful. And he's so good and seemingly content (at least for the first 16 hours of his life). We were there for about an hour and a half and little John was awake the entire time. He was just looking around and really interested in who was holding him and listening to their voice. He is SO handsome.

Jill went in at about 2 am Monday morning, and wasn't even completely convinced she was in labor. Her contractions were a big irregular, and not all that bad. She said every once in a while she would have a pretty bad one. Anyway, when they got to the hospital she was already dialated to 7, and she had the baby a bit before 4 am. She says it was a pretty easy delivery, even though he is her biggest baby yet.

It was pretty surprising to everyone because Jill's original due date was not till Wednesday, May 21st. This is her fourth child and she has never been early. I guess at around 20 weeks, after Jill's ultrasound, her doctor moved her due date to May 19th, but Jill was so convinced she would be late that just never told anyone the date had been changed. I was over at Jill's last Saturday and she had just had an appointment and her doctor who told her she would be late because nothing was begining to happen yet. So everyone was pretty surprised.

Holding John was a little hard on me. Not too bad, because I am so happy for my sister, but hard because he reminds me I don't have a baby to hold. We also were really looking forward to all the fun the three cousins would have together growing up, my Vincent, Jill's boy John, and Kat's boy Cruz. I was anxious to meet John and hold him because he has the freshest memory of my Vincent. Even though he can't talk and tell me all about Vincent and how much he loves me, I could sense it when John would stare contently into my eyes.

There was one point when I was holding him that he suddenly and very intently started to stare off into the air. If you've ever held a fresh newborn you know what I'm talking about. It's almost like they see something that we can't. It's such a focused stare that it always makes me turn and look to see if something is there, and there is always nothing. I have always thought that as new babies the veil that seperates this world from the next is still very thin and when a baby stares off into nothingness like that there really is a spirit they recognize there, we just can't see it. Anyway, John did this while I was holding him and immediately I felt like he must be seeing Vincent. I mean, surely Vincent was there, at least for a moment. I was nice to be reminded that Vincent is still real and still there, I think of him so much, sometimes I feel like he's just a figment of my imagination.

John was the first baby I know to be born since I lost Vincent. I know quite a few other pregnant women and it concerns me to have to see them all have their new babies. There is one in particular I'm worried about. There is a women I go to church with, and am good friends with, who is due at the same time I was. Her and I have similar body types and carry pregnancy pretty similar. She was due the week before me, and is usually a week early, where I am usually about 2 weeks early, so chances were pretty good we would have been having our babies within a few days of each other. She is a really great women, and has been really sensative to my feelings. But it's hard everytime I see her to not be reminded of how my body would look. I think it's going to be hard when she has her baby. I don't begrudge her her joy, or feel angry towards her for still being pregnant. She has definately had her own trials and struggles to go through when it comes to getting pregnant. I could never feel anything but happiness for her after everything she has been through to have children, but that doesn't mean I don't feel sad for myself at the same time. It's going to be challenging to have Vincent's due date come and hear about her having her baby. Luckily, she is having a girl, and her babies are usually quite a bit smaller than mine so thankfully her baby will not remind me quite so much of Vincent.

Well enough of that.

I still have 20 lbs to loose to get back to my prepregnancy weight. I was hoping to be back down before going to Texas June 10th, but that doesn't seem very likely. Maybe I can get at least 1/2 way there.... But I have to go excersise if I'm going to try.

Love you all!

My new Nephew!

Woohoo! My sister Jill had her baby last night. Seven pound seven ounce little boy. I know she intened to name him John Erich Baine, but I'll have to confirm that. I'm going to visit them tonight so I'll update later with pictures. :) Congratulations Jill!

Stumped

My niece sent me this email today, and Andy and I are sitting here stumped. If you can figure it out please let me know...

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL.
THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

Andy has it figured out, but I'm still confused.

One month ago today

One month ago today, at this very time, was when I first realized something was wrong with the baby.

This pretty much sucks. I miss him.

Last night I had the hardest time falling asleep. I was thinking about how the only bond I had with Vincent was feeling him move for a couple weeks. I never felt him move externally, or was able to see him kick. I was beginning to wonder if I would forget all about him one day and maybe 10 years from now I will suddenly remember,

"oh yeah... there was Vincent. Wait, was he real, or just a dream of a dream I had?"

Then I began to wonder if I had lost other children and I've already forgot about them.

I wish I had more memories with my little baby. Sometimes it feels like he was never real.

Belief-O-Matic

I came across this very interesting quiz that identifies which religion most closely resembles a persons personal beliefs regarding God and religion and the role they play in our lives. Here's my results.


1.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (100%)
2.
Jehovah's Witness (90%)
3.
Bahá'í Faith (80%)
4.
Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (72%)
5.
Orthodox Judaism (70%)
6.
Sikhism (69%)
7.
Reform Judaism (64%)
8.
Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (61%)
9.
Liberal Quakers (60%)
10.
Islam (54%)

I'm not dead. Oh goody.

This morning my mom and I drove out to my sister Jill's to help her with some planting and weeding. Jills due to have a baby in about a week or two so she's pretty uncomfortable at this point.

Anyway, while we're driving there we had me, my mom, my little 3 yr old Aaron, and my sister's daughter Emily., age 10, in the car. Emily had a sleep over at grandmas after Uncle Pete and Aunt Courtney took her out for her birthday yesterday night.

Back to the point...
So we're driving along, and Aaron and Emily are having their own little conversation in the back seat. Aaron says to Emily, while he's pointing at me, "That's my mom, she's not dead."

So I know he kind of gets it about the baby, but I'm not sure how well. I mean, how much could he really understand if he feels the need to point out the living people.