Thursday, December 4, 2008

Where I'm at.

Man alive, I feel like my blog is suffering. Last time I checked my blog stats I was averaging 5 posts per week... I think now, I'd be lucky to average 5 posts per month.

It's these album kits. I really wanted to start them earlier in the year, but non of the manufacturers had their new Christmas papers out till October. So now I am working about 10 hours a day, almost every day to get everything finished in time. I do enjoy making albums and putting them together, but I will be so ready for a nice long nap after I'm finished kitting the fifth album. My goal is to be done by December 17th. Lofty, but I feel like I've been very flaky this year so it means a lot to me to get them finished. Here's a picture of how things looked today as I finished kitting the second and third album kits. They are in the mail!


Speaking of flaky, seriously, why didn't anyone tell me I was spelling Santa Claus wrong? Come on now folks. I am creative, I can sew, I have my florists license, I've dabbled in Interior design... but my grammar is horrendous, I can't keep my house clean, and I have a difficult time staying organized. Please! If I make a little mistake on my blog then I really don't care all that much, but if I make a big mistake like that, for heavens sake, tell me, I really want to know, and I will never be mad.

I wish I could go back to school and get a long refresher in the English language, but alas, I have decided to put off school a bit longer. I don't think that I could be a mom and design scrapbooks, and fulfill my responsibilities at church, and go to school, and do any of them very well... so I'm going to wait a bit longer. Maybe next fall I will put Aaron into a preschool and then take a couple classes per week while he's in class, I'm not sure. I just know If I try and do it right now, I will be stretched too thin and everything will suffer. Story of my life...

It seems all the big things in my life are forever being postponed. I have been trying to make it to Australia for like two and a half years. My very best friend lives there and we've never met. She's the person who knows literally everything about me, and who I can tell anything too without any concern that she's judging me, or won't like me anymore, or might betray my trust, or any of that other stuff I tend to worry about with girl friends. She's in my head and hasn't run screaming. She loves me for me, despite my neurotic insecure behavior, and inability to type coherent words, because I still look at my fingers, when messaging, and my overbearing protective nature. She always gives me the best advise. I am SO blessed to know her. I would not have survived the past year without her friendship... well okay, I would have survived, but I would still be in a dark hole, wishing I hadn't. I know we knew each other before we came to earth. She is my other sister, no question about it. We keep saying, maybe next summer, maybe next fall, maybe next year... I know someday travel will be a bit easier, it just makes me sad to have such a boundary as 13,816 miles. God blessed me with the most amazing friend, and then had to put her on the other side of the world. Life can be awfully unfair sometimes.

Despite the busyness, I've been doing remarkably well. Andy and I have set a new personal goal that has made such a huge difference in our lives. I see things so clearly now. It's so easy to discern right from wrong and to absolutely know my worth. I am an adult leader for the young women I attend church with and I am constantly trying to help them to understand the worth of their soul. How very valuable each and every person is, but then when I'm just living my everyday life sometimes it's easy for me to forget that the message applies to me too.

Recently I had an experience that left me wanting to know if I really was a horrible person, and if I was an idiot and didn't even know when I was being malicious... Or maybe it was my true nature to be horrible and malicious so that's why I didn't pick up on it. I felt so immediately at peace. I am not a bad person, I feel so at peace and so completely fine. I know I have done everything I could to correct what I did and that I do not need to feel guilty, beholden or belittled. I am so grateful for the guidance and inspiration from the Lord. I know that prayers are answered. I know my worth and value.

This past week it has started to hit me again. Loosing Vincent. Last year at this time I was just learning I was pregnant and I was busy coming up with fun ways to break it to my husband, and kids and our families. My morning sickness hit on Christmas morning. I was doing okay on Christmas Eve, but then Christmas morning I couldn't stop throwing up. I Finally got some anti anemic medication and pretty much slept threw the next week till my body adjusted to the drowsiness, then I just felt like I wanted to die for the next 4 months. I don't remember anything about Christmas day. In my family, and in my husbands family, we trade names and just buy a gift for one sibling's family each year. I still can't remember who we even gave gifts to last year, let alone what we gave them. I have no memory of seeing them opened, even though I distinctly remember Andy waking me so I could watch. And to think it was all for nothing. It kills me. As for now, I have decided I am not going to have any more children. It's not that I couldn't love another baby. I just feel so strongly right now that having another baby, or even wanting another baby would very much dishonor the baby I lost. Like wanting to get pregnant would make me a horrible, thoughtless, selfish, person. Maybe someday my feelings will change, but not right now. Right now, I am done, but I reserve the right to change my mind in the future. (Even though I don't think I will.)

On a funny note. Here's a picture I took of Aaron eating his lunch the other day. He was having a PB&J sandwich and wanted a piece of cheese. Yup. He did it, not me. He said it tastes good, and he asked dad for more cheese for his PB&J the next day.

Noah got a new bike from my parents for his birthday. When we were kids my mom always made up the best treasure hunts for us to find our birthday presents. My mom did one for Noah, it kept him and his cousins busy for about 40 minutes. The final clue lead the kids around the yard next to the fence. My nephew sees this big thing with an old sheet over the top of it next to the fence and starts saying, "I think I found it!!" So all the kids go over there and are standing around it. Jennica lifts up the corner of the sheet and says, "no that's just a bike." The kids are all standing around the sheet at this point staring at it for like 30 seconds. The look on Noah's face was priceless as he considered whether they would have gotten him a new bike for his birthday. Suddenly it clicked and he ripped the sheet off and was very happy and excited, which for Noah means silence and a look of awe. We actually got a "cool" from him too.

So here's the bike. It has front and back pegs and tires that "look like real snake skin!!!" He's giving his cousin a ride on the pegs both of them are wearing motorcycle helmets, which is a bit over and above considering my parents live at the end of a long driveway at the end of a private lane so there really is NO chance of a car hitting them. Better safe than sorry I guess.

Phew! What a book. This is what happens when I don't have time to blog for a while. It just builds up inside me till it comes spewing forth in a rambled jumble of nonsense topics that don't really fit together. Hope you made it this far. If you did, give yourself a pat on the back for having endurance.

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Album Tally count!

Albums left

Album one - Santa's Workshop - Sold out!
Album Two - The Home of Mr. and Mrs. Claus - Only 4 left!
Album three - The Cookie Cafe - Only 4 left!

Album four and five will be available for preorder next week.

If you're wanting one I have 'add to cart links' in my previous post. I need to get them added to the sidebar at the right, but it take a bit of time to set up so I haven't gotten it done yet. Hopefully soon, but for now, just scroll down to the end of the next post.

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It's 2:25 am. I probably should get to bed! (But I probably wont.)

5 comments:

Kindall Klan said...

cami, I love reading your posts. I'm so glad that you're doing so well with your kits and thank you for your words about Heavenly Father. They were just what I needed to hear this morning!!! Hugs!
mistie

Carol said...

I had no idea you were spelling Claus wrong. I have gotten so used to seeing it as 'Clause' because of the movie that the spelling just passed right by me. But, since you asked, you referred to 'soal' in this post, I think you meant 'soul' right? :)

No worries - I have a Masters Degree and I'm still absolutely terrible and spelling and grammar (don't tell my students though). lol

Kristi M. said...

Cheese on that kind of sandwich is kind of gross but you have mentioned that he is a cheese fanatic. Gunnar is starting to do stuff like that.

Amanda said...

I love your honesty Cam. You have a pure heart and we can all learn from you. Please continue to believe in yourself and what you do because we all benefit from it.

Alison said...

My Sweet bestfriend, It was so lovely to read your post this morning. I have been so busy lately with everything and we haven't been able to chat much. You kind words picked up my exhausted spirits and gave me the little boost I need to keep going. I've gotton so run down that I'm bordering on pneumonia again and I keep telling myself each week that things will settle down, but they don't! I think you are an amazing women and you inspire me to achieve more. I wish our families could spend Christmas together but as you said, it just wont happen... well not this year. I'll be thinking of you though, that's for sure! love you so much, words just don't cover it xox