Sunday, November 28, 2010

My Very Real Post About Timelines.

Sometimes I get a bit down and feel like everything is dark, and dreary.  It becomes all I can see. When I first wrote this post I was in that place.   I had convinced myself it had been dark for so long.  It's not a good place to be.  Now, I am in a better place, and I have revised most of this now that my vision is not so narrow. 

I wrote out some of my timeline.

2007:  Pretty care free.  Really lacking in the whole life experiences category.  Took most everything for granted.  Didn't really know what I believed, who I supported, or why I was suppose to do it... and I didn't really care.  I just wasn't important, so it was easier to go/do/support who, or what, I was told too.

2008:  The year of change.  2008 was a freaking blow to the gut.  The kind that leaves me unable to take a breath and feeling like I'm suffocating.  And suddenly, nothing and everything matters.  But I can't tell which is suppose to be which. Everything is disoriented, and nothing makes any sense.  And everyone else moves on with their life, taking the only remaining light with them.  And I don't even care.

And the lights go out.

2009:  Desperately trying to get a grasp and just breathe. Things HAVE TO change, but I have no idea how to make them.  I want the pain in my heart to go away, but it has taken up permanent residence.  A lot of people make judgement because I should know better.  I should.. this is true, but this way sees to be the right way to fix so, so, many problems,

and fix me.  Things had to change.  I could not move.

It seems so reasonable.  And I gain a lot of new, and rather unpleasant titles.

And then comes the sifting of friends.

This part is painful.  I don't want to care that people who use to be happy to see me and talk to me now behave as if they don't know me..  as if I have personally made offenses against them.  I don't want to care, I really, really, don't want to care, but every unacknowledged passing stings.  I want it to feel like I am sifting them, but they are sifting me and placing a value on my soul and worth.  There are also the friends that I thought would have been there for me through anything, but instead they turn their backs, and walk away, and never look back.  I never should have trusted them... 

(Make a mental note never to trust anyone.)

I still don't know... anything about anything.  I'm afraid to love my children because it will hurt too bad.  And I cut the strings to anyone with power to hurt me, because it's absolutely not worth the risk..

God makes me so angry.  I want to hate him so much.

2010:  Feels like I'm trying to climb out of the deep canyon, on a wet slope  Everything seems very, very, pointless.  And very, very, stupid.  I'm not even sure why I'm climbing.  I feel like everything that seemed real was not.  My priorities change, and change again, and change again. I have decided it's okay to love my children because they are just children, and it's worth the risk that they might permanently break me forever.   Finally ready to start figuring out what I believe, but it's a long tough road.  I'm starting at ground zero, and not in any rush.  I don't really care if I die before 'I'm saved' if I don't know what it is to be saved. It's not about defiance, it's about wanting to know the Truth... and not moving forward until I do. It's about refusing to be rushed.

I knowing some people will read that..  and shake their head, and sigh, and damn me to hell because again..  I should know better.  I should have a testimony, and I am sooo ungrateful.  

I do like it to be warm, so damn away.  If you're right...  hey, thank you for the eternal warmth.  I refuse to just go through the actions.

2010 also brings witness that very few really care about the catalyst in 2008.  The ones who do are all people have their own catalyst.  No one else can even comprehend


All they see is the fall, without understanding why.

It doesn't matter if you don't get it.

I build the walls even higher.

And I realize I moved out of my metaphorical house a very long time ago, and it scares me to death to even think about going back in. 

Horrifies me. 

Looking forwards,  I have made no progress, everything is still so far away.  Everything is still so very depressing. 

But, as I look backwards down the hill  I can see how far I have come, and it's encouraging. 

I no longer want to give up. 

I no longer want to hate.

I'm considering love.

As I look over my timeline it does not begin in 2008, and it does not end now. My mind feels open to perspective, and possibilities, and healing, and strength.  This time is so short.
Breathe In.
Breathe out.

xoxo Cam

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Necessity of an Art Studio.

Ahhhhhh....  My Art Studio.

(I love you Art Studio!!)

A couple weeks ago my husband was so kind as to let me commandeer the "office" and turn it into my Art Studio. 

I have been desperately in need of somewhere to create Art.  I had bits and pieces scattered all over the house.. at it was a bit unbearable for the family when I was actually working on anything.

There would be small piles of "do not touch me" everywhere...  like puddles after a rainy day.

 My studio is an eclectic mess of everything.  It's not near finished, and I expect it never will be. I have grand ideas for this space... and even grander ideas about what will come out of this room.   

This bird cage is my favorite find.  What I love best about it is the door. 

The door to my birdcage is suppose to be open to symbolize freedom from all of the things that keep us from being able... capable..  of being our best.  The door to my birdcage has strong springs, and it snaps shut when you try and open it.  


This room makes me want to create.  Even in it's partially decorated, unfinished state, I am in love. 

It's a bit of a fit for all my art supplies and sewing supplies, but I'll make SURE it works. 

BTW...  at Brave Girls October, I completely forgot to bring my apron..  So I made this new one. 
I love it...  Mostly I love the dress underneath.. 

This bust form was my grandmothers.  I suppose she didn't want the poor girl hanging around naked so this dress has always been on the bust form..  for as long as I can remember.  I'm fairly certain it was made in 1960, and if the fabric was not faded from time I would absolutely take it off the bust form and wear it.  It's a fabulous wrap dress..  Oh Love.

One of my favorite bits about this new art studio of mine are the art projects my sweet, sweet Jennica Girl keeps making and leaving behind for me.   

She makes these projects on her own.  The verse are her own.

She has an artist's heart.

This one makes me rather sad...  knowing the life lessons she is going to have to go through before she learns the truth about gates and fences. 

I wish she didn't have to learn it.

I made this truth card while thinking heavily about a couple of friends.  I most likely need to apply the words to myself, but it is so much easier to see what someone else needs,
and so frustrating knowing they don't see it...

all the while ignoring the mote..

It says:

You are not too
damaged to
 become whole.

You will heal
You are healing
right now.

You do not travel alone.

Let the door close.

The "let the door close" is the most important part.  Sometimes we know so well that something or someone is not good for us.. not doing us any favors, and holding us back from the direction we really need... and really want to go.

But it's sooo hard to close that door.  Close it and actually leave it closed. 

I always run back and open and close, and open and close, and open and close.. and then I try to just walk away...  leaving the door open -- Like that's going to actually work.

It doesn't.

Close it-
Walk away-
Never look back.

yeah, right.

Keep trying and eventually you have the courage to lock the door and throw out the key.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Girls Night Invite.

Okay, I know I've bee Blogging about Rendi a lot lately, but I can't help it!  I'm so excited....

....  :)

This weekend I'm having a big Rendi event!  I've just done most of my Christmas Shopping, and personal shopping...  Really hoping my purchases will arrive on time...  Really hoping I'll have time to make my house all sparkling... and make some homemade yummy treats... and mostly that you all will make it!  Well okay, not all of you...  But those of you who are local, who want to come over COME.  It's going to be such a blast!

We're going to party like it's 2010... becuase lets face it 1999 sucked.  All this drama over Y2K, and then.... nothing.  Not one single person got stuck in an elevator.  Such dissapointment.

Come hang.  And afterwards, GIRLS NIGHT.  I'm thinking Cheesecake factory, or PF Changs, or SUSHI...  Yum sushi...  No set plans yet, other than the "musts":

Must involve food...  or drinks... or both.  Mostly dessert.  And hot chocolate, with whipped cream.  And Diet soda.  (You can have what you want, but this is likely what I will be having.)


Must involve lots of really great women who are looking for a little female bonding and reconnection.

Anyone is invited to the Rendi party and of course out for a little estrogen and chocolate fueled good old bonding.  Email me if you wanna come..  I would love to have you.  I'll send you details.



Sunday, November 7, 2010

Free Personal Shopper Services!

Christmas is right around the corner. 

Less than seven weeks away.  Forty one days to Christmas Eve to be exact...

Which equals about 984 hours till Christmas Eve
Subtract sleep at a realistic 7 hours per night, because I don't know anyone who actually gets 8 hours.

697 hours till Christmas Eve

Minus the time we take to get ready in the morning, and time to get ready for bed at night: I'll be very conservative at 1 hour total....

656 hours till Christmas Eve

Time to eat: subtract 45 minutes per day...  and unless you eat out for every meal, better include some food prep time, and clean up time....  an extra hour per day.

663.75 hours till Christmas Eve

Do you work full time?  Minus 8 hours...and 45 minutes for commute time... 5 days a week..

366.25 hours till Christmas Eve

Minus incidentals...  Grocery shopping, getting gas, errands, hair cut, doctors appointments etc. etc. 

341.75 hours till Christmas Eve

Wasted time (NOT including Facebook time!).  Because really, how often do YOU maximize every minute of every day?

300.75 hours till Christmas Eve

Religious observance... if you observe the sabbath day and do not shop... well than subtract

278 hours till Christmas Eve

House hold chores (laundry, cleaning etc.) at approx. 5 hours per week

243 hours till Christmas Eve

Quality time with family: Watching TV, talking, games, homework, etc....  at a MINIMUM of 3 hours per day:

120 hours till Christmas Eve

Holiday Planning and Decorating: Get the tree, Decorate the tree and the house, hang Christmas lights, Christmas Cards, etc. etc. etc....

96 hours till Christmas Eve

Make and deliver goodies to the neighbors etc.

80 hours till Christmas Eve (I know some of you are thinking, who cares about the freaking neighbors!  There are only 96 hours till Christmas! and you are beginning to thinking back over what else you plan on cutting)

Travel plans?  Better count 6 hours to make the actual arrangements, 8 hours to pack, and an average of 6 hours in actual travel time.

60 hours till Christmas Eve

Are you traveling for Thanksgiving too??  Uh oh..  You're in trouble..  we'll just pretend like you're not and save ourselves the stress..

Personal down time:  Girls nights/ Guys nights/ reading/ Facebook/ Blog reading and writing/ journaling/ crafting/ chatting on the phone/ tanning/ pampering...  whatever your weakness::  being very conservative at 30 minutes per day...

39.5 hours till Christmas Eve

Extra Curricular Activities: Exercises, kids sports practices etc:   For me this totals about 3.5 hours per

15 hours till Christmas Eve

Snow shoveling, emergencies, car trouble, Illness....  etc.. minus an average of 15 minutes per day.

4.75 hours till Christmas Eve

You've got just less than 7 minutes per day to buy your Christmas Presents, wrap them, and mail them.

I'm just saying...

Email me the particulars:  Age, gender and sentiment, and I will design, and customize your beautiful, meaningful, Rendi Christmas gifts, upload pictures for any picture frames (FREE of charge through Christmas!) And arrange to have the items shipped to your recipient, wrapped and including a personalized gift card.  And I'll do it for free. 

Seriously, That's like adding time to your day....  time to take a nap: How good would that feel?

Email me:  We'll talk.


Saturday, November 6, 2010

I am so excited...

Rendi is up and running!  Seeing as my daughter doesn't read my blog I'm posting a couple of the items I have created for her for Christmas.  :) 
I can't wait...  I hope she will love them and cherish them forever. 

Little reminder for me in there too... Style #R2070: " Style #R2070" Style #R2001: " Style #R2001" Style #R2025: " Style #R2025"

Wanna check it out:  Click here

Rendi:  Customizable home decor: Made in the USA: Shipping within 48 hours:  Beautiful

Just think of it as prepackaged homemade for the busy gift giver.  After all, You DID take the time to design and customize...


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Lets all go to the movies.

My Bestest has inspired me to try to blog more often... and so even though I said I was going to bed over an hour ago, here I am starting a new blog post.  :) 

After I lost my baby I was talking to a friend of min who had also lost a young child.  She very insightfully pointed out that tragedy is like a movie.  Whether it's happening to you or someone you know, the traumatized goes through some horrid mind numbing experience.  The friends and those around watch, and offer sympathy, cry and sometimes offer a hand...

But eventually they movie ends.  And they are ready for the movie to end.  They want to move on with their life.  They don't want to stay with you anymore in your darkness and fog.  And so they move on, only remembering your pain on occasions and eventually forgetting and seeing the new you as the permanent you, whether you want it to be or not. 

You become the _______. 

The widow
The mother with empty arms
The divorcee
The single mom
The abused one
The depressed one
The sick one....

You are no longer you, but you have become your title.

Expected to be able to handle your burden by now...surely.

I don't want  be that kind of friend.  I don't think any of us do.  I know I have been.  I haven't always been there.  It takes a supreme amount of love to stay after the credits have run and all that's remaining is the static. Sometimes it's hard to know how.

But I want to try.

xoxo Cam