Sunday, November 28, 2010

My Very Real Post About Timelines.

Sometimes I get a bit down and feel like everything is dark, and dreary.  It becomes all I can see. When I first wrote this post I was in that place.   I had convinced myself it had been dark for so long.  It's not a good place to be.  Now, I am in a better place, and I have revised most of this now that my vision is not so narrow. 

I wrote out some of my timeline.

2007:  Pretty care free.  Really lacking in the whole life experiences category.  Took most everything for granted.  Didn't really know what I believed, who I supported, or why I was suppose to do it... and I didn't really care.  I just wasn't important, so it was easier to go/do/support who, or what, I was told too.

2008:  The year of change.  2008 was a freaking blow to the gut.  The kind that leaves me unable to take a breath and feeling like I'm suffocating.  And suddenly, nothing and everything matters.  But I can't tell which is suppose to be which. Everything is disoriented, and nothing makes any sense.  And everyone else moves on with their life, taking the only remaining light with them.  And I don't even care.

And the lights go out.

2009:  Desperately trying to get a grasp and just breathe. Things HAVE TO change, but I have no idea how to make them.  I want the pain in my heart to go away, but it has taken up permanent residence.  A lot of people make judgement because I should know better.  I should.. this is true, but this way sees to be the right way to fix so, so, many problems,

and fix me.  Things had to change.  I could not move.

It seems so reasonable.  And I gain a lot of new, and rather unpleasant titles.

And then comes the sifting of friends.

This part is painful.  I don't want to care that people who use to be happy to see me and talk to me now behave as if they don't know me..  as if I have personally made offenses against them.  I don't want to care, I really, really, don't want to care, but every unacknowledged passing stings.  I want it to feel like I am sifting them, but they are sifting me and placing a value on my soul and worth.  There are also the friends that I thought would have been there for me through anything, but instead they turn their backs, and walk away, and never look back.  I never should have trusted them... 

(Make a mental note never to trust anyone.)

I still don't know... anything about anything.  I'm afraid to love my children because it will hurt too bad.  And I cut the strings to anyone with power to hurt me, because it's absolutely not worth the risk..

God makes me so angry.  I want to hate him so much.

2010:  Feels like I'm trying to climb out of the deep canyon, on a wet slope  Everything seems very, very, pointless.  And very, very, stupid.  I'm not even sure why I'm climbing.  I feel like everything that seemed real was not.  My priorities change, and change again, and change again. I have decided it's okay to love my children because they are just children, and it's worth the risk that they might permanently break me forever.   Finally ready to start figuring out what I believe, but it's a long tough road.  I'm starting at ground zero, and not in any rush.  I don't really care if I die before 'I'm saved' if I don't know what it is to be saved. It's not about defiance, it's about wanting to know the Truth... and not moving forward until I do. It's about refusing to be rushed.

I knowing some people will read that..  and shake their head, and sigh, and damn me to hell because again..  I should know better.  I should have a testimony, and I am sooo ungrateful.  

I do like it to be warm, so damn away.  If you're right...  hey, thank you for the eternal warmth.  I refuse to just go through the actions.

2010 also brings witness that very few really care about the catalyst in 2008.  The ones who do are all people have their own catalyst.  No one else can even comprehend


All they see is the fall, without understanding why.

It doesn't matter if you don't get it.

I build the walls even higher.

And I realize I moved out of my metaphorical house a very long time ago, and it scares me to death to even think about going back in. 

Horrifies me. 

Looking forwards,  I have made no progress, everything is still so far away.  Everything is still so very depressing. 

But, as I look backwards down the hill  I can see how far I have come, and it's encouraging. 

I no longer want to give up. 

I no longer want to hate.

I'm considering love.

As I look over my timeline it does not begin in 2008, and it does not end now. My mind feels open to perspective, and possibilities, and healing, and strength.  This time is so short.
Breathe In.
Breathe out.

xoxo Cam


freetofly said...

i love you. so much. with a never ending, judgement free kinda love. it angers my heart that people treat you this way. because i know you. and nothing you have ever done or could ever do warrants judgement or disdain by others. you are loved beond measure Cam...xoxo

ang :o) said...

i sooo get all of this. good for you for your honesty. much love.
ang :)

Rachel said...

I wish I was there to give you a great big hug! Those that aren't there for you any longer are the ones missing out on such an AMAZING lady. I know I'm lucky to know you!

Alison said...

My beautiful sweet best friend. I think you are amazingly brave to post this. It is so raw and honest and it so needed to be said. I look at the person you are and love you more everyday. You have come so far and you are right, you have so far to go. But you have to enjoy the journey. I'm so glad that you've realised that it doesn't matter what other people think, if you are being judged then they're not worth it! Everyone makes mistakes, it's those mistakes that give us our amazing and unique characters. I love you more than you could possibly fathom. Keep your head held high sweet Camille, you deserve amazing things xox

BonnieRose said...

We all fall.
We all feel pain.
We all curl up like a babe and want to let no one in. We somehow feel we wanna be alone in our pain.
You are brave for voicing all this.
You are loved way more than u realize.
Way more.
Don't care about all the judgement the condemnation, the ppl that choose to not really listen, to not really understand you.
Care more about the ppl that are there to lift you up.
I love you for sharing. xoxoox
Love you to the moon and back Cam.

mandbrid said...

Wow Cam....I know this has been a really trying few years for you...I feel bad that I haven't been a more frequent friend. But I DO think about you and I care about you.

Mikal said...

I'm sure you took the words out of many women's mouth. Mine for one..

Be true to your heart, and keep walking your path... that's what I'm doing. :)

Ann said...

Don't get over it. But don't go back to 2007, either.

What We Create said...

Fantastic photos.... and I LOVE your your banner.

Kallie said...

Sweet Cam, I love you. And I love sweet baby Vincent. And I can't wait for him to be back in your arms...when you get him back for good...when no one can ever take him away from you again. When hearts are done breaking forever. He will love you sooo much. You have so much to teach him. You are phenomenal. Keep climbing to the truth...I. LOVE. THAT. You'll get there. I'm sure of it.

I am so happy to have you in my life..and so thankful. I've learned SO much from you.



Kelly Lish said...

Oh Camille, your writing is so touching and incredible-do you know that? I wish you peace and happiness. We all deserve to be happy. This I am sure of. I know God wants us to feel true happiness and love and I wish that for you. I think you are a wonderful girl. I think you will find what you are looking for and in your own time and way. Sending you lots of love.

Kristie said...

I so wish you could see the beautiful you the rest of us see... I soooo empathize with you. So many things, I feel the same way. I admire and adore you! <3 I know that we dont chat much anymore, but know if you ever need anything I would be there ASAP, because I adore you! <3

AuBien said...

Camille ... I don't know what the story is between the lines. But I know that my heart is rocked every time I read your words about this journey. I feel like there is another soul out there that understands all of the things I have pushed down and locked away because I couldn't find the words or the understanding to express them. My journey has been completely different from yours but the thoughts and feelings I've had -- you are expressing. It amazes and startles me all at the same time. Thank you for sharing your heart this way.