Tuesday, March 30, 2010

And the Winner is....

Yay! Woot! Congrats to Surbhi Jain!

Surbhi Jain said...

Giveaways bring such a lot of excitement to win even if I lose all the time!! Count me in :)

March 25, 2010 3:54 AM

Okay, So I still can't really tell you what your prize will be because it's not official yet, but I will making you a beautiful handmade item...

...and I am legally bound not to give anymore information till tomorrow...... TOP SECRET!

So Exciting! I totally want to spill it... but I can't..

Be excited... be very excited!!

Stay tuned....

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My Latest Project... As Seen On Teresa Collins Designs Blog.

My little baby brother Alex is getting married to the cutest girl (who I use to babysit when she was a newborn!) Holy crap I'm an old women.

I wish them the most love and happiness anyone could ask for.

And that they will love each other more and more everyday.

And ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Love you guys so much! xoxo

Monday, March 22, 2010

Giveaway! Oh, Giveaway!

I'm thinking about having my first blog giveaway... but I haven't decided WHAT I will be giving away.

We'll just call it a surprise!

Just rest assured... it will be cool, and handmade. If you want to enter, leave a comment here, and leave a comment on the Teresa Collins Design Blog

One entry for posting here... and one entry for posting there.

Have fun.


Entry ends Monday the 29th 5pm MT.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Wanna See My Crack House?

This is a tough post.

I wish I had a fine way with words, but I don't. My writing is a little boring, full of grammatical errors and typos... and generally does not portray my thoughts and feelings very accurately...

I have tried to figure out how to start this post three times now... writing, and erasing, and writing and erasing... In the hopes you will understand what I want to share with you... and that it's not easy to share.

So anyway, if you will try to follow me here, I would like to try to share with you something special I learned from a good friend of mine over the last year.

My soul can be described as a house.

And the people in my life are like visitors in my house. Some of them come in and spend a bit of time with me. Sit on my couches and visit, look around and make decisions and judgments about me based on what my decor is like, how clean my carpets are, and who else is visiting.

Some of my visitors come.. even after I have closed the doors, and locked them, and they knock and knock and knock and bang on the windows and call on the phone over and over and over and then they begin to yell and scream until I open the door and let them in.

And they come in and they punch holes in the walls, and urinate on my favorite things, and track dirt and muck everywhere. They break my dishes, and do crack on my kitchen table. And they usually stay for a long while.

And the whole time I am completely blind to what is happening to my house. I am standing as close to the window as I can. looking out, and never looking in. With my ears plugged, and my nose pinched so I can't hear or smell or see what is happening.

And then something happens. A catalyst.

And the catalyst spins me around and I face my house for the first time I decades. Not months, or even years, but decades.

And my senses are alive to the state of my soul.

And I am really not very shocked by what I see, and smell, and hear.

I am not shocked, but I do not like it.

And I can no longer pretend not to know.

And so begins the process of evictions. It feels like the evictions must be the most difficult part. Because as I ask everyone nicely to go they do not leave.. and they will not go willingly. They instead fight me.

physically.. mentally, doing everything they can to get back in

I do manage to get them on the outside I am physically and mentally exhausted.

That is when they go back to the same habits of banging on the doors and windows and screaming to come in.

Eventually some of them go away...

...but some are still there.

I know they are out there right now. I can still hear them banging on the doors and walls. Still screaming. Still trying to get back in.

As I sit in my empty trashed out house I realize the evictions are not the worst of it.

The worst is realizing I am alone in an empty, dark, dirty, stinky, crack house. And I don't want to be there and I feel so tired and depressed just thinking about all the work that needs to be done. And I don't want any help because I am so embarrassed to have people see the house and know it is mine.

So I go out for a while, I try to escape my house.... and everywhere I go there are people pointing and whispering behind my back.

"Do you see her?"

"Do you know what she did?"

"Do you know she lives in an ugly, disgusting, dirty crack house, and she is totally responsible for letting it get that way?"

And so I go back to my empty, ugly, disgusting, dirty crack house.

And I try to make a clean place to sleep because I am so tired.

And I reclaim my house.. Even if it is a crack house. IT IS MINE, and it's the only house I've got.

And I begin to renovate.

That was the end of last summer. September to be exact.

I have been doing what I can. Some days I get so much accomplished.. and sadly some days I punch my own holes in walls I just repaired. Sometimes I try to shortcut and just paint over the dirty walls without repairing all the holes or cleaning them first.. The paint dries and the filth seeps though the paint, leaving me frustrated at how hard I've been working, and not getting anywhere.

And sometimes I work with my eyes closed because it's less painful that way. The only problem is, with my eyes closed, I can't see anything. Not my despair... and not my progress.

When I was at Brave Girls Camp I very cautiously opened my eyes and had a slow look around. I was a bit surprised by how far my house had come, and a bit sad and depressed at how much still needed to be done. I looked through squinted eyes. I am not ready to open my eyes wide.

I have not looked at this art card since I made it over a month ago, and I was astonished by what I noticed. Things that are symbolic to me, that I didn't even think about when I was creating.

Notice my house. It's still dark, and a bit dirty. The definition in the eves says "caution."

I can see some value in my house. I can see some potential. I know there are people outside banging on my walls and doors right now... or reading this blog post... who would LOVE to tell me I have no value.

That my house is too trashed. That my house is condemned and irreparable, and WILL BE destroyed... even if they have to tear it down themselves piece by piece.

But, I am not listening anymore because I look at them and can see them... inside their houses, pressed against the glass, with their hands over their ears and their nose pinched.

I have a red door now. Red symbolizes that my house is not yet healed. It also represents the sacrifices I am willing to make to restore everything. The pain and seemingly self inflicted wounds I give to my house in order to repair it correctly.

The fence I put up does not have a gate. My house is not ready for visitors and the fence helps to keep the crack addicts away. It keeps everyone away. My house is not ready for visitors.

The clouds in the sky are no longer black with the torment of an impending storm, full of soot and anger, but are white and speak of fresh as the wind blows all around them.

There is not yet sunshine.

The windows are the eyes on my house. Looking out with yellow curtains for beautiful cheerful things.... mostly longing for beautiful cheerful things.

And I see progress has been made.

And I have hope.

And the hope renews my strength and I press forward.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Chocolate Stuffed French Toast and Asparagus Tofu Smoothies. (Yup. You read that right.)

My friend Chelsea showed me how to make the best french toast in the world. And even though I am suppose to be watching what I eat, I was absolutely dieing for it tonight. so I decided to go all out... Heavy cream...

Oh and um, Chelsea.. I found out how to make it even better...

So here's how I made it. I have no measurements cause that's just not how I cook.

Take some bread... soft french bread is the best, but I used whole wheat cause it's what I had..

And make a strawberry cream cheese sandwich.

Mix up some french toast egg and milk batter... I used heavy cream.. it was really thick, but SOOO yummy, and the finished product didn't need butter.

ADD to the batter about 1/4 cup cocoa powder (one medium tap) and about 1/8 cup sugar(one small pour) and stir well.

Cut the sandwiches in half and dip in the batter. Place the sandwich halves in your waffle iron and smoosh till closed.

When the little "ready" light comes on, take them out and plate with powdered sugar and syrup.

Holy freaking yum. Oh you have no idea....

So while I was making these I was stressing (that's my favorite past time) about the meal not being filling enough, not to mention nutritious.

So hmmm... smoothies. I have tofu... I have lemons and limes, and OH what's this?? My husband bought my asparagus! (He really must love me!)

I wonder.....

Yeah, I agree.

TOTALLY worth trying.


One package soft tofu

Juice of one lemon and one lime.

One pound asparagus. Trim ends and cook in microwave. Once tender, run asparagus under cold water till cool. Break off only the softest parts of the top of the stem, no stringy bits!

About 1 cup ice

About 1 cup milk.

About 1/4 cup honey, to taste.


You can thank me later.

xoxo Cam

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Feeling Extra Special...

Ahhhh! The Teresa Collins Designs Blog posted instructions on my album cover. I'm feeling pretty honored and special. xoxoxo


Here's some more pictures.. but if you want the full instructions visit the blog.

Monday, March 8, 2010


My first post is up on Teresa Collins Design blog!

Granted it really had to have some doctoring... Thanks Stephanie!


Thursday, March 4, 2010

My Brave Catalyst

My baby has been gone for 23 months.

And I am barely getting to a mental place where I can start working on keeping his memory alive.

...SO freaking hard.

I just burst into tears driving home from work the other day thinking about my brothers wedding that occurred the same weekend we buried our baby, and how it had ruined his wedding.

I mean it didn't ruin his wedding, but having a death and burial in the family the same time as the wedding... I know it damped their special day, and everyone involved couldn't exactly whoop and holler with joy over their wedding without feeling like they were being horribly disrespectful to our family.

For me, Vincent is my Catalyst.

He changed everything. And everyone else has stayed the same. Not a fun place at all.... It's the kind of change no one wants. I can't go back because that would mean pretending like he never happened, and I can't go forward because that would mean moving on, and leaving behind. I'm more withdrawn than ever.. why the HELL would I want to be close to anyone? It just gives them immense power to cause pain?

I don't even tell anyone I've had 4 children anymore because I don't want to talk about it when they just don't get it.

I started this project the last day at Brave Girls camp. To me it isn't good enough. I'm not satisfied with it. I am SEVERELY temped to crumple up the wings really bad.

They should be broken after all.

I'm reminded of something Noah had said when he was about 5 years old.

Mom, People can't fly. Birds can fly, but people can't. Unless they are dead, and then birds can't fly, just like people.

People can't fly.

I miss you. xoxo

This is just one of those things I haven't come to terms with yet...

My baby doesn't have a headstone yet. At first it was a financial issue, now it's just an emotional issue. If there was a marker with his name on it... Well, I don't know if I could deal with that.

Love you.
Thanks for reading.

xoxo Cam