Thursday, March 4, 2010

My Brave Catalyst

My baby has been gone for 23 months.

And I am barely getting to a mental place where I can start working on keeping his memory alive.

...SO freaking hard.

I just burst into tears driving home from work the other day thinking about my brothers wedding that occurred the same weekend we buried our baby, and how it had ruined his wedding.

I mean it didn't ruin his wedding, but having a death and burial in the family the same time as the wedding... I know it damped their special day, and everyone involved couldn't exactly whoop and holler with joy over their wedding without feeling like they were being horribly disrespectful to our family.

For me, Vincent is my Catalyst.

He changed everything. And everyone else has stayed the same. Not a fun place at all.... It's the kind of change no one wants. I can't go back because that would mean pretending like he never happened, and I can't go forward because that would mean moving on, and leaving behind. I'm more withdrawn than ever.. why the HELL would I want to be close to anyone? It just gives them immense power to cause pain?

I don't even tell anyone I've had 4 children anymore because I don't want to talk about it when they just don't get it.

I started this project the last day at Brave Girls camp. To me it isn't good enough. I'm not satisfied with it. I am SEVERELY temped to crumple up the wings really bad.

They should be broken after all.

I'm reminded of something Noah had said when he was about 5 years old.

Mom, People can't fly. Birds can fly, but people can't. Unless they are dead, and then birds can't fly, just like people.

People can't fly.

I miss you. xoxo

This is just one of those things I haven't come to terms with yet...

My baby doesn't have a headstone yet. At first it was a financial issue, now it's just an emotional issue. If there was a marker with his name on it... Well, I don't know if I could deal with that.

Love you.
Thanks for reading.

xoxo Cam


A-me said...




Carol said...

Oh Cam, I'm so so sorry that you had to go through that, and live through it everyday. I have been reading a blog for a few years now of a woman who lost her son after 7 months of him being on this earth. He had an undiagnosed problem that slowly took his life. Perhaps relating to her experience would help......though I hesitate to post her blog address for fear that it would stir up feelings and stuff. Do you want me to give you her blog address? I want to be sensitive and not cause undue stress and add to your pain in any way. If you want her blog address, let me know and I would be happy to send it over. Again, I'm so so sorry that your precious Vincent is in heaven instead of on earth. You are loved more than you know.....and you are certainly a Brave Girl!!!!

Chelsea said...

This is SO beautiful, Cam.....I love your art and your honest words. You are so brave. Love you forever.

mandbrid said...

I don't have any words of comfort...Except to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Have you looked at this website at all?

Don't know if it will help or not...

Jennifer said...

I just don't think you can rush that. It sounds like you're doing just what you need to right now. I can't imagine how much and how long it would take. . . remember, honor your process. My heart sincerely goes out to you and I'll say a prayer for you.

I think you're awesome.

Jewelz said...

I don't know you, but your post really touched me. I have four children, and I cannot imagine losing one of them. My mind is not even capable of going there. My condolences and best wishes to you.

Lisa said...

Oh Camille, My heart aches for you. I wish I could wrap my arms around you.
My baby sister lost her beautiful Lilah last May and it was SO HARD and so devastating. So while I have never been in that place, I've been close and I am so sorry.
I totally understand about the headstone. When I lost my mom a few years back it took us a LONG time to be able to take that step. Her brothers and sisters didn't understand at all - it wasn't a money issue it was the fact that when we had to actually pick something for her, it was admitting that she was really gone. That it was really final. The family just didn't "get it" that it was just too painful and we had to take our time to get to a place where we could even face that task. {Hugs}...

Mummy Nana said...

Oh God.. I cry reading this entry... Be strong... I hope you will be alrite. Take care.

{connie} said...

cam, i love you!! you are so strong and brave! thanks for sharing your heart with us. thanks for sharing vincent with me. i am one lucky girl to have such a dear friend as you. i will share with you his life. as precious and short as it was, he is your son!! i love you and if you need an ear...i'm a phone call away.

ps. i love your project. it was how you felt, how you yearned for him, how you wanted to remember at that moment it was made. DON'T CHANGE A THING!!

Kallie said...

Oh Cam, I don't even know what to say. I feel like I should say something. I wish I could say something that would mend your wings and help you fly and help you be able to think of your sweet baby the way you want to. I am so sorry. So sorry. I love you. Will be praying for you...xoxo

Camille said...

Something is wrong with my comments section. It's not letting a lot of people post. So if you came to post and can't it's okay. I appreciate your support anyway. xoxo

ang :o) said...

very sweet post. big hugs.

suey04 said...

I don't know you but I know what you are going thur. My daughter was 17 years old when she was kill in a car accident. That was in '85I will be praying for you!!!

LJ Ducharme said...

I just hit "next blog" and found yours. My condolences to your loss, but what an amazing, lovely, brilliant and brave entry you've wrote. The little epitaph is perfect.

Damaris said...

My heart aches. For you and Me. As I read your post tears have begun to course down my cheeks..I am so sorry...I wish words made this better...sometimes it does.
I read your words and it is as if I am speaking.
I am praying for you. Please know that.
I am certain, without a doubt KNOW, that your sweet Vincent is playing with my sweet Adan.

Dee Dee said...

Your love has given him wings.