Birthdays Suck.

I hate my birthday.  Hate it.  Dread it.  Cry through it. Want to run away. Pretend like it's not happening.  Find the time/space continuum so I can skip it..  HATE IT.

I mean...  woohoo!  Way for me for being born. I didn't actually do anything to accomplish this momentous occasion... except grow, but I want you to honor me and celebrate me every year for it none the less.  What in the heck??  Birthdays are kind of retarded. 

The attention makes me uncomfortable... really uncomfortable. It's awkward. My birthdays should no longer be acknowledged after the age of 21.  All of the important things have happened... after 21 I should be mature enough that I don't need to expect my friends to run around chanting my name with "hip-hip-hoorays" once a year.

I thought I was alone with this, but I googled it.  :)

http://isitnormal.com/story/i-hate-my-birthday-25343/
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Hate-My-Birthday/4964
http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-hate-my-birthday/258807264386
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110614052826AAjipqF
http://jannatwrites.wordpress.com/2010/07/13/why-i-hate-my-birthday-its-not-skin-deep/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/emotional-mastery/16204-i-hate-my-birthday.html
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/i-hate-my-birthday-52338/
and so on... and so forth...

94% of the populations of people (who are obsessed with their normalcy) are on my side!  I didn't write the posts, but I SO totally could have. 

On my birthday, I hate when people turn all this special attention on me...  it's so unbelievably uncomfortable... but at the same time, when people know it's my birthday and don't say anything then I'll just thinking to myself, "WTH!!"  It's a catch 22.  I just want to run away somewhere I can't be reached.  Because then... no one is saying Happy Birthday and making a big deal... and I'm not feeling discarded because someone forgot.  I feel stupid and selfish for caring if people forget when I don't want them to do anything either.

The weeks leading up to my birthday I just get more and more anxious until bammm... the big day hits.  I usually start "celebrating" a day or two before by feeling super depressed, randomly crying, and desperately looking for an escape... some way to avoid the day. I seriously consider shutting down my facebook account to avoid all the birthday comments, BUT I also know, come the "big" day, I'm selfishly going to need those comments or I'll feel super depressed.  It just gets worse and more intense the closer it gets.  And I always ride out the depression for a week or two post birthday. 

My birthday occurred recently and I had to wait an adequate amount of time before I was even capable of blogging about it.

What is wrong with me?  I really don't understand why I can't just let it go, and blow it off... but every year it gets to me.  I'm pretty emotionally shut off, and I can generally control my emotions in just about ANY situation...  but I can't freaking get a handle on it when it comes to my birthday.  Believe me I try..  I try so hard...

I don't know why I can't be one of those people who thinks their birthday should be a national holiday and should be celebrated for a month... and then that's exactly what they do.   It sure looks like they are having fun. 

My opinion?  I think society puts this image out there that birthdays are suppose to be this huge happy amazing day where we feel on top of the world, and so then if we don't... if we wake on our birthday and it feels (gulp) like a normal day...  then we feel like crap.  Maybe it's just me (and my 94%).

I should mention that I really want to celebrate my friends birthdays. :)  Love it.  Just please.. on mine...  say happy birthday so I know I'm not forgotten, but maybe don't make eye contact. 

Am I alone here?

xoxo Cam

The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

When I read a really good book, I take notes and then tack them up where I will see them often.  I couple years ago I read The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch. 

These are some of my notes, and my Cam-isms.

Criticism:

When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they're giving up on you.  When you see yourself doing something badly and nobodies bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be.

Cam-ism: Not all negative feedback is productive or accurate.  But, when it comes from a place of love and respect listen with an open mind, and your defenses down.  I hope that my friends will always tell me...   I might not always agree, but I would rather know.

Determination:

The brick walls are there for a reason.  They're not there to keep us out.  The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.  Never give up, and accept a boost when offered.  And once you get over [the walls] it can be helpful to others to tell them how you did it.

Cam-ism: On one side of the brick wall are those with determination.  On the other side are those without.  Oh, and the grass really IS greener over here...

Time Management:

Time must be explicitly managed, like money.  Don't invest it on the irrelevant details: It doesn't matter how well you polish the underside of the banister.

You can always change your plan, but only if you have one.

Cam-ism:  "Free time" is wasted time.  I like to live my life with a long and never ending to-do list.  Here's why...  I learn so much when I challenge myself.  I love to look over a project and tell myself, "I can do that."  I didn't start out knowing how to do it, and no one taught me how to do it, I figured it out through determination and hard work...  Hard work and determination go hand in hand with time management. 

What Others Think:

If nobody ever worried about what was in other people's heads, we'd all be 33% more effective in our lives and on our jobs.

Cam-ism:  Yeah, I'm pretty sure the 33% is made up too.  And I'm pretty sure myself.. personally... I would be WAY more than 33% more productive if I wasn't constantly worried about what others think.  I'm getting better about it.  Way less concerned, and trying to make sure my actions reflect ME and what I want, rather than what I think other people want me to be, or do, or think.

Relationships:

When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple.  Just ignore everything they say, and only pay attention to what they do.

Cam-ism:  Word.

xoxo