Sunday, January 15, 2012
(noun) A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
(verb) Trust, Expect, Anticipate
I am emotionally challenged. Hugely emotionally challenged. I can't allow the consequences that come with vulnerability. As a result... when you build high fences... you are safe inside, but everyone is locked out. The good, the bad... and yes, even the ugly. There is no closeness, no pain, no happiness. Just you. Sometimes you is all you need.
I don't know how to allow myself to be vulnerable. I don't know how to even talk about this without freezing up. It just seems so unreasonable to put yourself into the position where someone could hurt you. HOW do you gain close, trusting, complete relationships without ever being vulnerable? I've been working on figuring that one out for the longest time. I haven't got the answer yet, but I'm sure it has to be possible. There are way too many happy people in beautiful relationships to believe they all have been open to vulnerability and pain. How could they be that happy if they have been hurt that bad? Vulnerability = pain. We all know that.
The problem lies in the inability to let anyone get close. If there is absolutely no vulnerability there is no opportunity to build trust. I want something more. I just don't know how to get there.
I don't know how, but I can hope.
And so I choose to hope. Hope for more. Hope for a solution. Hope for rapture... euphoria... and elation. More than the normal standard. More than average. More than closed, cut off...
More than what is simply SAFE.
Hope that what I want is possible. And hope that it can be achieved without the completely debilitating sting of hurt. Or at the minimum, that it is possible to recover from that kind of low.
Vulnerability feels like giving up, or giving in. Accepting things as they are and making myself susceptible to disappointment and pain regardless. Vulnerability feels like I can't expect that anything will change. Vulnerability feels like falling and falling hard. I realize that my perception is irrational, but that doesn't help me to change it. I'm not ready to commit to... well.. anything.
To hope opens the door.
I can HOPE.
Allow myself to hope...
And so here is to HOPE for 2012.
Will you have hope with me please?
Posted by Camille at 7:53 PM