Friday, June 11, 2010

She Did it Anyway! YES. maybe.. no..well...I'm not sure.

Brave Girls Camp.

I did manage to get one art project done, and I am finally ready to share it.

But first, let me explain what :She did it anyway: means.

:She did it anyway: means each of us has the ability and inner strength to look at all the things in our lives that are stopping us from really living. Preconceived ideas, physical limitations, age, beauty, size,... whatever it is that might be holding you back.

For example,

They told her she wasn't qualified, but she went back to work anyway.

They told her she wasn't worth much, but she valued herself anyway.

They treated her like she had no business being at Church... she was not worthy and didn't belong anymore, but she kept going anyway.

They told lies about her, lies mixed with the truth, and a lot of people believed everything, but she looked them in the eye and respected herself anyway.

They judged her, they criticized her, they insulted her... but she followed her heart anyway.

I can tell you first hand, that it's much harder to come back than it would be to stay away.

And it's the people who make it that way.

A big part of learning to be brave is learning to embrace the :she did it anyway:. I am learning, but when it comes to change I work v e r y s l o o o o o o o o o w....

At Brave Girls Camp May 2010, I began to embrace my life. Especially the changes.

There have been a lot of changes... the majority of which are still too deeply personal to share or discuss. I am trying to be very true to myself, and not to accept people into my life who will not allow me to be true. Who see me a certain way and want me to always stay that way, even if it kills me.

But I am too tired to stay that way.

Anaïs Nin:
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
This is where I am. I cannot remain a bud forever. It is time. Some people won't like it. I've already lost a lot of friends. But I like myself so much better. I am a better wife and mother for it. I still have a lot to figure out, and it will likely take the rest of my life. But I am a turning into a full bloom...
And it is beautiful.

In my Art, I can see myself as a little child.

Young, lonely and naive.

And at peace with myself.

There is no turmoil.

Back to a time when the biggest decisions I had to make were who I was going to play with, and what kind of sandwich I wanted for lunch with my canned peaches.

In my picture, I appears I have just abandoned my heart. Discarded it.

But I really haven't.

I've just found it.

I discarded it long, long ago. It caused too much pain. It's a bad, bad thing to have inside controlling my emotions and allowing me to hurt over and over again. And so I got rid of it... long long ago.

Now, I am really, really, trying to decide if I should pick it up and take it with me. I don't know. Some days I reach down and ::almost:: touch it. Some days I want to walk away from it and cover it up so I will never have to see it again. I can't decide and I'm spending a lot of time... here... just weighing the options.

This is a way bigger decision that what color socks to wear. It's too big a decision for a little innocent child to make. Especially when the adult in me wants to scream at her to run away, that it's too dangerous!

Dear Camille: They are coming...the winds of change..they move is become me.

The sun is shining.

She might pick it up.
Heaven help me....
So thankful to be a Brave Girl.

(Me, Kathy, Melody and Elena)

xoxo Cam


JANET! said...

this makes my heart smile, Cam! you are so beautiful, strong, and brave!!!!! and you did it anyway!!!! love you.

Maureen Maloy O'Neill said...

Very beautiful. Thank you for telling the story behind your art, it is so rich in meaning and feeling!! xoxo, Maureen BGC 05/10

Rachel said...

What a beautiful post and piece of artwork Camille!! You are so strong! Love you!!! Hugs

Is that Kathy Wilkins in that pic?? Wish I was at that lunch with you all!! Miss you guys!

Just call me Silly Sal said...

Beautiful and very thought provoking once again. We have to keep theses new thoughts on the surface and not forget what we learned at Brave Girl Camp.

Lisa said...

Oh Camille - Wow -You have such an amazing gift not only in your art but also in your words. Thank you for being so BRAVE and sharing. I am amazed by you and I mean that in the most heartfelt way. xoxo

Camille said...

Yes Rachel! I so love Kathy! Wish you all had been there. xoxo

Kallie said...

Love love LOVE you Cam! This might be the more stunning piece of art I've ever seen of yours....and that's saying something because you have made some incredible things. I love everything about it and about you.

I am so proud of you. SO SO SO proud of how far you've come. You are a brave girl through and through.




Jen Hargraves said...

Love you Camille!!!!

BonnieRose said...

Loved reading what u shared.. I can't wait to go bg in Oct... I cannot wait. xo