Do you ever feel it?
That feeling like you could have... should have done better? Letting people down.
You know, NOT the I'm just not going to try feeling...
But the feeling of trying your best, feeling like you've done your best in the moment, but then after....
Seeing that you really could have done more... could have done better. But now it's too late. And you've missed it.
That's how I'm feeling now. About everything. Why could I not have been in a place to do... be... meet... what those around me needed. I feel like I have let people down. What sucks worse is knowing things could have gone better, but not knowing how, or what you could have changed to bring about different results. Sometimes I don't know how and that SUCKS. It sucks because I know I'm still in a tailspin, and I don't have the tools to pull out of it.
I feel frustrated and I don't know why. Like scratch my own eyes out frustrated.
I have an imaginary twin sister called insecurity. I don't know if she really likes me or is just faking it though. We SURE seem to spend a lot of time together.
Most of the time, I don't like to write about things on my blog, until I feel like I've found a solution to what's going on... otherwise I feel like I get a little too down and doomsdayish.. I don't mean to be so negative. I'm going to go out of a limb here and admit something....
Shocking, I know.
I'm pretty sure the world is supposed to end now or something.
Seriously, All I want is to never grow old, to have limitless energy, always be at my very very best, and never disappoint anyone. Is that REALLY so much to ask?
Please excuse me now... I know this post could be much better, but I have to go. I'm really a secret agent and I have to go save the world from aliens, or a nuclear explosion, or something. But don't worry...
I'll be back.
What if... I could eat chocolate, and it really did make everything feel better, and I didn't feel guilty afterwards?
If I get to heaven and that's not a part of it.... I'm going to be pissed.