There's no place like home... there's no place like home...

Just a short picture less post.

I wanna go home. My in laws are WONDERFUL people. They really are, but they don't seem to understand what I'm going though and I have never felt so alone.

The other night we were at my father in laws retirement dinner. It was a fun night, but at one point his managers were asking about how many children each of us had, and my sister in law pointed to Andy and I and said we had three kids. I wanted to just shout, "no we have four kids!"

It bothered me so much, but then later that night I realized that unless I want to have to explain to every person who asks how many children I have, then I almost have to treat Vincent like he did not exist and only share his existence with the people I really want to sharing him with. I don't like that. It feels like I'm dishonoring him. If he had lived to be 4 or 5 years old, I never would skip over him, or allow other people to skip over him. It's like because he was stillborn the world does not see him as a real child, one that counts.

I was suppose to be going home today because I would have been too far along in my pregnancy to stay any longer, and risk being away from my home and doctor in case I went into labor.

I am suppose to be 31 weeks today and incredibly uncomfortable and big.

Just a quick post

I have so much to do today with packing and everything, but I wanted to put some pictures up quick. I'll have internet access while we're gone, but I'm not sure how often I'll be posting.

So get your fix, I'm not sure when I'll have another for you.

This is Andy's new Motorbike:

And this is Aaron taking the kids for a ride.

There is a great bike course in Kuna our friend Sam told us about. Andy took the kids out while I was -you know- shopping for a swimsuit.

Don't laugh at Jennica's helmet. We try, we really do.

Aaron and Noah after their baths. My sweet mother in law sent these cute new towels for Vincent. After we lost him we opened them up and let the kids have them. Aaron has officially claimed the frog as his, and has to use it every time he has a bath.

This is the first time Noah has ever used one. It's hard to see, but he's a duck.

And of course, Aaron, doing what he loves, hopping around like a frog in the buck.

Wwwwibbit!

Okay, that's it for now! I gotta go start packing. Love you all...

The search is over!

Well, okay...

So I'm not going to win any swimsuit contests, but after, 7 hours of swimsuit shopping I finally ended up with a suit that fits, has supportand coverage up top, and is an acceptable color, and long board shorts.

The suit is a solid purple speedo, the shorts solid brown. They look alright together... I don't really match or anything, but you have no idea how relieved I am to have just found pieces that work with my body.

Ahhhhh!

No, I will not be posting pictures. :)

Now I just need a tan...

Anyone know of any great, non streak, self tan lotions??

Down days and up days.

We all have them, right.

Yesterday and today are down days.

We're leaving for Texas next week. Yesterday, after trying on my swimsuits, I acutally did an internet search on, "swimsuits for fat women." I found lot of great sites about accepting your body the way it is... but what if I don't want to?

One of the websites was for before and after beach pictures on an Oprah show. Gotta tell you, the new swimsuits didn't make the big women look any less big. It made me feel there was no hope. I mean if Oprah, with all her resources, can't magically turn these women into size two's then who can! I realized I didn't really want a fabulous new swimsuit to accentuate my positives and minimize my negatives, but I wanted someone to just sell me a new size 2 body, and I wanted to find it on sale or clearance. THAT would make for a really great day!

I'm planning on going shopping this afternoon, it will be an 'up' day if I can find some cute red board shorts. Then I will feel much more comfortable in my swimsuit and better about my body.

If you know of any really great stores to shop for swim gear please let me know!

Kindergarten Graduation and the Last Day of School

Tuesday was the last day of kindergarten for Jennica.

Isn't she darling! I'm so proud of her. She worked so hard this year. I still haven't gotten her final report card... In true Jennica fashion she forget to clean out her mailbox on the last day of school. Hopefully her teacher will hang onto her papers so I can go pick themup. I am really excited to see how she did on her spring IRI's. I have no idea what IRI actually stands for, but it's the Idaho standardized reading assesment test. Jennica didn't do very well on the fall and winter IRI so we've been working very hard this spring to get her up to speed. I know she did well, but I want to actually SEE the results.

Tuesday night was Kindergarten graduation.

Graduation was scheduled to start at 7 pm, and by 6:30, when we arrived, we got the last 3 available chairs. The room was packed, with standing room only, by 6:45, and by 7:00.. well forget it...

At 7:00 the school principle discoved the batteries in the mic were dead... so finally at 7:10 the gradutaion got under way.

There were about 100 kindergardenters. They sang some cute songs, and we watched a video presentation of all the kids, then they got their advancement certificates.
Afterwards we all headed out to ice cream. We were out late and so the kids didn't get to bed till about 10 pm.

Today is Noahs last day of school. In typical fashion, we were late for the bus. I did manage to snap a few pictures of Noah, while he was running backwards on the way to the stop.

The last bus ride to school for second grade!

My kids make me so happy!

The end of the day.

First, Thank you Amber!

My good friend Amber Halversen updated my blog for me with this amazing, cute, paper and digital tag. I love it so much. It's summer time at shesonehotmama.blogspot.com!


Next my sis emailed me some pictures of little John.

What a doll! He's so cute.

This picture of Aaron makes me a little sad because I can see how happy Aaron would have been to hold Vincent.

Cousins are cool though, and now Aaron gets to be the older cousin. He's going to love that!

Ethan is so in love with his little brother.

Now he will know what it's like to be admired and followed after.

And here are all of my kids and Jill's kids.

What a great thing it is to bring a new baby into the world!

Today I also had my postpardum check up.

I was doing okay and wasn't feeling upset.

My appointment was with the doctor who delivered me. He's not my regular OB, so I had never been to see him at his office.

His nurse was talking to me as she started my appointment.

She said to me, "You should have brought your baby with you!"

She didn't know, so I'm not upset with her or anything, but I had to tell her he was stillborn, except I said, "it was stillborn." why did I say it?

He's been gone for a while now, and I talk about loosing him a lot here so I couldn't understand why it made me so upset after she said that. Then I realized it was actually the first time I had told anyone face to face. I don't think I have even had to tell anyone over the phone. It's the first time I had to see the shocked look on any one's face. Everyone else who has found out either found out from Andy, or word of mouth, or my blog, or email. They all had time to kind of compose themselves and think about how they were going to respond.

That was hard. I don't want to do that anymore.

I managed to hold it together till the Dr. came in and started asking if we had a service for the baby and how I was doing. He is great doctor. Luckily we share the same religious beliefs which made things so much easier because we were able to talk about our belief in the Savior and His plan for each one of us. We spend about 20 minutes or so just discussing gospel doctrine which was a little different for me, combining the two, medicine and religion.

When I was leaving the appointment, my sister in law's sister was in the waiting room. She had a baby a few days before I had Vincent with the same doctor and was there for her postpardum check up too. I couldn't go over and talk to her.

If she is reading this, I'm sorry. Please don't take it personally, I just didn't want to cry, and seeing your baby, who was born so close to mine, would have made that very hard.

I cried when I got out to my car anyway.

What?

My kids have gotten into this bad habit of talking about their bottums and what comes out of them a bit too often. Andy and I have really been getting on them about it, because we really don't think it's appropriate. Not that "butt," and "poo" are really all that bad, but it is for a 3, 5, and 8 yr old. If I allow them to use language like that now, who knows what they will be saying when they get a little older.

Anyway, Saturday Noah and Jennica were playing with the neighboor and I heard Noah say the word, "butt." I didn't hear what he said, but I called him over and asked him. He wouldn't tell me at first, because he knew he was in trouble. After a bit I got him to tell me what he said by threatening him that he would have to sit in time out till he told me.

Based on his comments I sent him to time out for 30 minutes... That's WAY longer than we have ever sent anyone to timeout before.

Andy had been on the phone so after he got off he came upstairs and asked me if I was sure 30 minutes was appropriate, it seemed a little excessive for just saying, "butt."

I gave him a 'yeah, I think so' look and told him what Noah really said:

"I'm going to eat your butt like a spider monkey"

Yes, that's right...

When Andy finally stopped laughing and was able to contain himself he went back downstairs and told Noah, "Yeah, I agree with mom, 30 minutes is appropriate Noah."