Friday, June 13, 2008

There's no place like home... there's no place like home...

Just a short picture less post.

I wanna go home. My in laws are WONDERFUL people. They really are, but they don't seem to understand what I'm going though and I have never felt so alone.

The other night we were at my father in laws retirement dinner. It was a fun night, but at one point his managers were asking about how many children each of us had, and my sister in law pointed to Andy and I and said we had three kids. I wanted to just shout, "no we have four kids!"

It bothered me so much, but then later that night I realized that unless I want to have to explain to every person who asks how many children I have, then I almost have to treat Vincent like he did not exist and only share his existence with the people I really want to sharing him with. I don't like that. It feels like I'm dishonoring him. If he had lived to be 4 or 5 years old, I never would skip over him, or allow other people to skip over him. It's like because he was stillborn the world does not see him as a real child, one that counts.

I was suppose to be going home today because I would have been too far along in my pregnancy to stay any longer, and risk being away from my home and doctor in case I went into labor.

I am suppose to be 31 weeks today and incredibly uncomfortable and big.

9 comments:

Kindall Klan said...

cami, I think you have every right to say you have four kids! He IS your child. My sister was stillborn, she was due on my first birthday, but stillborn two months early. To this day my mom says she has 7 kids, and if anyone asks, she says she lost one. I still tell people that I have two sisters too! Nobody has to know how or why, unless YOU feel like telling them. I guess what I'm saying is that this should all be up to YOU, and if it feels better to acknowledge him, then you have every right to!

Amy Pennington said...

I almost feel like I shouldn't comment on such a personal post. But yesterday when I was scoping out your blog I noticed Rick n Anne's mission one so I went. And when I saw that they had one grandchild that had passed...my first reaction was which one was it. I know all the grandkids. I even thought it was from the fam from amarillo. Now I know. I am so sorry for your loss.
I just had a close friend who had a miscarriage and my sis n law miscarries between each healthy pregnancy and she has had 6 kids. But I know now that you did not suffer from a miscarriage. wow this post breaks my heart. I will keep you in my prayers. Sweet Camille!

mandbrid said...

You are totally justified in feeling that way Cam. One of my close friends had a sibling pass away due to stillbirth and I know they count her as part of their # and I've heard them explain it to people a lot. I think it will just take some more time for you to feel like sharing it out loud very often - especially with people you don't know. ((Hope I said that right and that it makes sense...))I'm sorry you're having a down day...I still keep you in my prayers!

kat said...

cami....i am so sorry...i dont even know what else to say...im just SO sorry, i cant even imagine what you're going through....justin and i love you so much though and we think about you and your 4 children all the time....we love you....
kat

Jesse Edwards said...

I'm so sorry. Sorry for your loss, and hard times, and sorry that you feel alone. {hugs} and I hope you feel our support.

Kristine said...

Aw Camille I'm sorry to hear that such awkward situations are happening. It has got to be really hard for you each time something like this happens. And then all of the internal things you are going through such as what you mentioned about being 33 weeks. I hope you can find a little comfort in remembering that you are entitled to feel however you feel and you owe no one an explanation for your feelings.

Alison said...

My Sweet Cami,

My heart is breaking for you yet again. It was just tonight, putting Emi to bed that I whispered in her ear "I love you my number one girl". Then she asked if Cait was my number two? I replied yes, Emi was my#1, Cait my#2, and Bree my #3. I was very quickly corrected by Emi that Bree was #4 and Lucy #3. I felt immediately guilty. How could I have dismissed Lucy in my own home. So often I am faced with this situation. Sometimes I tell people, sometimes I don't. When I was pregnant with Breeahna I was much more definate in pointing out it was my 4th pregnancy. Take each day as it comes honey. Vincent's death is still so fresh in your mind, the wound still so deep. You are not dishonoring him. You cope with losing him the best way you can. For now that might mean that you can't talk about him all the time because it hurts too much.

I love you and you are not alone. I wish I could be there to support you. I love you like you're my sister.

Tea 4 Two Originals said...

Cam,

You will never be alone as long as you have faith. You have four children and the first lady was right. No one has to know why unless you want to tell them. It is a shame that our society puts such a casual price on precious life.
Be strong and with much prayer and time your little Vincent will continue to grow in your heart and mind.
Your friend, Sandra

odiesgirl said...

Cami! I am so sorry. Everyone making comments is completely right!!!! YOU SHOULD SAY YOU HAVE 4!!!! Correct them! Even if it is FAMILY! What about Vincent? Dont go on letting them act as if he never existed. He did he was a person and a very real part of you life and your heart. He was and is loved every bit as much as your other children, and wanted just as much. You are the proud mother of 4 beautiful children. My services coordinator for Our red head! :o) She has 4 children. Her little girl passed away at age 1 or 2 from an incurable disorder. I do not think she would have any quams about correcting the person who said, she only had 3. Even though she has passed on she truly believes that she will someday see her again, and be able to enjoy the wonderful spirit she had for a short time.


You are a wonderful mother and deserve every joy that comes along with saying I am the mother of 4.

YOU HAVE TO CLAIM VINCENT!!!! Claim him every chance you get... Like I said, my services coordinator does.

Also... I have one other friend who to this day, had a son who was stillborn, early, one of a set of twins. She still claims her Vincent to this day she is the proud mother of 5. And she is. His name just happened to be Vincent also. She just like you is absolutely amazing. You should meet her sometime. You would love her.

Love
UT Girl!

PS... to anyone who reads this... I am not normally so passionate, at ranting... my apologies