Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Oh Gesh....

Do you ever have one of those, "Oh duh... I'm so thick" moments?

I had one today when I realized this evening that I'm not the most important person in the world.

I know, I know... It's hard to believe, but I'm really not.

I realized, well duh... okay...

My MIL and FIL are LEAVING in FIVE days to serve a mission in MOSCOW, RUSSIA for EIGHTEEN MONTHS...

DO you think maybe they've got a lot on their minds? Um yeah... And yet they still took the time to take Andy and I out to dinner and to a play last night.

Do you think maybe my brothers and sisters in law, who would also be my MIL and FIL's children might be a little concerned for their parents and concerned about missing their parents.

That IS the reason we're here in Texas visiting after all...

Do you think there is a chance everyone might be a little overwhelmed with accommodating those of us who are from out of town, and trying to help their mom and dad get everything prepared for their move, and my FIL retiring, and arranging a camping trip-family reunion in the middle of everything, and farewell parties... all this on top of their already busy lives... There are about 32 of us who are here (I think?? It might be more...) One of my SIL's planned and carried out a week long day camp for 40 cub scouts that was also going on this week. Andy's brother is a regional manager for a large company that has currently just gone up for sale so he has been working long hours... My SIL who has been putting us up (or putting up with us..) works from home, and I swear, every minute she has spent in the last week and a half has either been entertaining our family, cooking for our family, or try to keep up with her work. All the while her husband has been repairing damage my kids have done to their house while we've been here... (Thank you Aaron) I could go on and on... this is hardly the half of it.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, even though I am still hurting over loosing Vincent, I've maybe been a little self centered. When I think about all that has been going on, I am really grateful for the time and attention that has been paid to our family and to me in particular. I guess I've been a little spoiled at home with the people around me who I'm sure are busy with their own lives, but haven't had all THIS extra stuff going on, so they have been able to give us so much time and attention. They also are so much more familiar with what we've been through because they have been there with us while we went through everything.

During the family reunion, which starts tomorrow, My inlaws have asked me to share with the adult members of the family what we have been through so everyone will be able to understand a bit more.

I'm not going to lie. I'm scared.

I want to do it, but at the same time, I have a really hard time talking about it in person. I can write and write about it, but I rarely even talk to Andy about how I'm feeling. He commented the other day that he has to read my blog to find out what I'm thinking, and it's really true. Just tonight he was asking me if I was thinking about Vincent, and it really put me completely on the offensive, like, "That is absolutely non of your business!" To me, it feels the same as someone asking me a very personal question, that's completely out of line for them to be asking.

I do not like to talk, out loud, about my feelings. It's WAY outside my comfort zone. I don't even like it when someone reads things about Vincent on my blog and then wants to talk about it with me. I need time to process, and that's what writing allows me to do.

Love you all,
Cam

5 comments:

jillybean said...

Hey Cam!
It sounds like you're feeling a little overwhelmed with all that's happened to you and now all the chaos of being a guest in someone else's house. Take some advise from your sister--You are surrounded by people who love you--even if they can be thoughtless and don't always say the right thing all the time. The fact is, most of us really have no idea what you're going through...you have to be patient with people- most of us are too wrapped up in our own lives to be sensitive to what others are feeling. Just remember how much you are loved and don't be afraid to sweetly let people know if they've made a mistake, I don't think people mind being corrected. Do it right away, so people know how you feel. If you don't, every time someone innocently makes a comment, it's going to hurt you and the other person is going to have no idea! Yikes!
Love you! Hope you have fun!

Scrapmymemories said...

OMG Cam I have never EVER read your blog and thought you were at all self centered! Quite the opposite in fact!!
You are healing and to do that you do actually need to put yourself first for a while. I think your family sound fantastic!

Kristi said...

If you are better at writing your feelings out, write what you are going to say to the rest of the family and read it or have someone else read it. I too write out my feelings better than I can express the deepest ones in speaking. Sounds like they are doing their best and like Jill mentioned, they most likely have no idea how it feelsor what to say/do. Hang in there.

odiesgirl said...

What about doing a second... bog I mean? Then you could say... "if you wanna know how im feeling, read my blog. Then you can edit wherever you need to and still be the wonderful sweet you that you are. That way the Fam is able to read it, but you can still express your feelings without feeling... sensord.
Your great. I have never thought of you as being self absorbed! You are quite the opposite.

Hugs,
UT Girl

BTW... HI Jill!

Anonymous said...

Camille,

I am so sorry about the comment that was made at the retirement dinner. I don’t know if it was because we were not around for Vincent’s passing or if they weren’t thinking or if they didn’t want to bring him up in front of my Dad’s bosses (people we had never meet before). I guess they should have just waited and let you or Andy state how many kids ya’ll had instead of speaking for you. I am sure it was an honest mistake; however that doesn’t take away the pain, so I am sorry you had to go through that.

There was a few times that you and I started in the direction of talking about Vincent, but it just never seemed to be the right time. So I am very glad that I had a chance at the reunion to hear your thoughts and feelings of what was and still is going on with you.

Ya’lls trip down here was definitely different. Like I mentioned while you were here, we didn’t have a lady’s shopping day or three. We haven’t figured out home base since my parents sold their house and there was too much going on in all different directions. But since you got to see the exquisite rhinestone saddle, maybe that makes up for a little of the craziness. he he he

I am saying you should send the kids down and I can have a blast with them, cause holy cuteness!!! Or maybe you and Sym could fly down and we could have a lady’s weekend/week!!!

I think this might be too long for a comment on a blog but hey I am new to the blog thing so I don’t know any better… Jenni from the hood