Monday, June 2, 2008

The end of the day.

First, Thank you Amber!

My good friend Amber Halversen updated my blog for me with this amazing, cute, paper and digital tag. I love it so much. It's summer time at!

Next my sis emailed me some pictures of little John.

What a doll! He's so cute.

This picture of Aaron makes me a little sad because I can see how happy Aaron would have been to hold Vincent.

Cousins are cool though, and now Aaron gets to be the older cousin. He's going to love that!

Ethan is so in love with his little brother.

Now he will know what it's like to be admired and followed after.

And here are all of my kids and Jill's kids.

What a great thing it is to bring a new baby into the world!

Today I also had my postpardum check up.

I was doing okay and wasn't feeling upset.

My appointment was with the doctor who delivered me. He's not my regular OB, so I had never been to see him at his office.

His nurse was talking to me as she started my appointment.

She said to me, "You should have brought your baby with you!"

She didn't know, so I'm not upset with her or anything, but I had to tell her he was stillborn, except I said, "it was stillborn." why did I say it?

He's been gone for a while now, and I talk about loosing him a lot here so I couldn't understand why it made me so upset after she said that. Then I realized it was actually the first time I had told anyone face to face. I don't think I have even had to tell anyone over the phone. It's the first time I had to see the shocked look on any one's face. Everyone else who has found out either found out from Andy, or word of mouth, or my blog, or email. They all had time to kind of compose themselves and think about how they were going to respond.

That was hard. I don't want to do that anymore.

I managed to hold it together till the Dr. came in and started asking if we had a service for the baby and how I was doing. He is great doctor. Luckily we share the same religious beliefs which made things so much easier because we were able to talk about our belief in the Savior and His plan for each one of us. We spend about 20 minutes or so just discussing gospel doctrine which was a little different for me, combining the two, medicine and religion.

When I was leaving the appointment, my sister in law's sister was in the waiting room. She had a baby a few days before I had Vincent with the same doctor and was there for her postpardum check up too. I couldn't go over and talk to her.

If she is reading this, I'm sorry. Please don't take it personally, I just didn't want to cry, and seeing your baby, who was born so close to mine, would have made that very hard.

I cried when I got out to my car anyway.


Kindall Klan said...

I got this email from Jill, too, and honestly my first tought (after I thought how cute John Erich is :) was how sweet and loving you looked. I know it must have been hard for you, and it speaks to your strength and love for your sister that you were able to still be happy for her, even while mourning!

ahalversen (DBA) said...

First, I'm so glad you like your blog! I got these papers a little while ago and wanted to use them, so I thought they would be fitting for you since you have a garden! I honestly had so much fun making your tag, so I'm really glad you liked it! I thought it would be something happy for you in this not so happy time. I'm so sorry about what happened. I feel the same way when people I don't know tell me that I need to have a boy, because 'you can't just have all girls you know'. It still stings every time someone makes a comment, but it does get easier. I bet that girl felt so awful after she talked to you! You are always in my prayers. I wish you all the best!

mandbrid said...

I can't believe that the girl wasn't made aware of your situation before you arrived. That sucks big time! Someone dropped the ball there. I'm sure that was super hard for you...

On a side note...your blog looks super cute! I love the new look.

The Scrapbook Exchange said...

Tears are good Cam, let them flow. It's refreshing to hear that a Dr. actually supports the religious side of life experiences, so I'm glad that you had a Dr. who understands and believes as you do. My sister in law whom is also my best friend, lost her baby at her 5 month check up. She went in for the first ultrasound at 3 months and all was fine. At 5 months- for the ultrasound visit, they realized the baby must have died shortly after the 3 month visit. Her body just kept on growing and going through the pregnancy motions for those 2 months. It was awful and she received very little support from her parents. She was told, don't worry- you'll get pregnant again. Sometimes hearing that "this is God's will, and the Lord's plan" as her parents stated many times, doesn't take the hurt away from loving what "might have been" had the Lord's will been different. Even though we know in our heart that everything happens for a reason, knowing this doesn't make it any easier to cope when something we wanted and loved desperately has been taken away. Her parents (my inlaws) were right, she was pregnant again very quickly and we ended up being pregnant at the exact same time- but still, the pain of loosing the one child still remains although it has dulled over the years. I commend you for your faith. There are many of us who go through life who haven't had to face major heartbreaks such as this - waiting for the time when the Lord will present an obstacle in our life that will test our "faith" in Him. I pray, that when this time comes for me that my faith will be strong - as yours has been. Anyway, off I go.

LOVE your new veggie template too!