Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A year ago

A year ago I learned that the baby I was carrying was dead.

Last night I was thinking about how very nice it would be to go to sleep and never have to ever wake up.

I was surprised that instead of finding the idea appalling, it was appealing.

Very appealing.

In the back of my mind I knew I would not ever take it upon myself to never wake. Equally weighting on my mind was the eternal damnation of my soul, and how horrifying it would be for my children. It's just the very idea of never having to stress about all the things in life that stress us all out was so appealing. The idea of ending my life was not appealing, just the idea of never having to stress... to be at peace forever... is so appealing.

Then one of my living children kept waking up crying and all he wanted was for me to hold him and too be with me, solidifying my life.

I'm not going to do anything. Please don't worry about that, but to pretend like the feelings and thoughts are not there would be to pretend like everything is peachy and swell. This is how losing a baby changed me. I know I'm not alone.

Sometimes life really sucks, other times it's downright crappy.

I can't decide if I want to post this. I'm really not at risk of taking my life or doing anything harmful. I'm worried some of you might get the wrong idea and try to have me committed, or start calling me all hours of the day and night just to make sure I answer the phone. It's not like that.

It's just before Vincent, death seemed so scary. The very idea that someday I would die was horrifying.

That my body would rot.

The unknown of exactly what the next life would be like.

Now, when my time comes I will be ready. I will embrace death with open arms. Who I am is made up within my soul and not my body. When my body dies, my soul will still exist. There is nothing to be afraid of. There is so much more to fear in life than there is in death.

Sometimes I can't help but think about how lucky my baby was.

Stop freaking out.

Really, what's the big deal about desiring a long and happy life? Isn't a short fulfilling life just as rewarding? Maybe it's the ones who live the long life who really got jipped.

I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud.

Consider it in this light. Two people enter college at the same time for the same degree. One is a career students.. It takes him an especially long time to graduate. The other carries a full load and graduates early. Both graduates left with a degree and everything they went to college to receive. One was just prepared for life after college much sooner than the other.

Was the early graduate jipped of their full college experience? What would that entail exactly?? More student debt? Parties they missed? Waiting? Maybe his college friends are bummed becuase they will miss him?

Maybe the career student didn't get it. Maybe that student kept failing tests and needed to take them over and over and over.

and over.

Both fulfilled what the need to fulfill. Nobody got a free pass. No one dropped out. Both completed the course.

Now, I say I'll see you when I graduate. I'm not worried about it. I have things to look forward to after graduation. If you graduate before me or after me it doesn't matter. Sooner or later, we're all going to graduate.

It's late and I'm tired, which probably means this post isn't going to make a lot of sense.


Camille said...

It hasn't even been 2 minutes since I posted, an already I'm feeling guilty. I do love my family. I'm not anxious to die. I'm just going through a bad time right now and I'm not real sure how to handle it.

Lizzy said...

Camille! It's OK!! After my fiance was killed, I went through so many of the same feelings! Except, I actually did want to die. But not in a morbid way, just that I wanted to be with him, and I wasn't afraid to die any more, and like you said, I would welcome it. I NEVER once thought about taking my own life. So I understand that those feelings can coexist.

I am SO sad that you hurt so bad and that you are going through whatever you are going through. I will sincerely pray for you.

My wise mother always tells me when I am going through something hard, "you won't feel this way forever." Sometimes it's hard to imagine that the pain you feel will ever dull, or that you will ever feel peaceful and happy again . . . it's ok that we have to find a new normal because we are forever changed by our tragedy (which for you only happened a year ago, which is NOT a long time).

I also know that God wants us to have joy in this life, and he will give it to us - although too often we have to suffer and endure and keep our faith strong (and act according to our faith) when we feel like giving up. Heavenly Father is COMPLETELY aware of what you are feeling, and will "sanctify to thee thy deepest distress" (How Firm a Foundation). He always does!

Damaris said...

My friend, sending you a huge, strong hug. Hey, give yourself a break. Your loss is huge and it is absolutely normal to feel what you feel. Your words express your wants, needs and ultimately what HAS to be done. IN YOUR WORDS, I hear the difference between trying to come to terms with your loss and pain...and NOT OF SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO HURT themselves. I too understand wanting to hide and not get up or have to function, because when you do so, you continue to feel the pain, loss, devastation and yes anger. I see no shame in what you say, but admire you for your courage and your wisdom. Some may grieve quietly while others may shout it out to the world. You take your time and heal in your perfect time and perfect way. God has you in HIS hand and will give you the peace, serenity and wisdom to let you come to terms with your loss. Your wound will heal. This I promise.
Keeping you in my prayers.

mandbrid said...

I've been thinking about you - knowing this time was coming...and I don't think you're crazy. You are a Mother.

My heart goes out to you.

Emi said...

i get it

Breya Fujimoto said...

I knew this time was coming for you, and you've been in my thoughts and prayers. Vincent is smiling down on his mom, knowing that the time will soon come when families can be together forever. Do not lose hope, you have a family and purpose on this earth that you too must fulfill. We love and pray for you.


Amber H. said...

Totally understandable! Our hearts go out to you. Hugs Ü

ang :o) said...

Totally get it. We went through that in 2002. Totally sucks. This is very well written and made me look at things in a new light. Thanks and I will keep you in my prayers that you'll find peace through this tough time. big hugs.

Kristi M. said...

Thinking of you! You are such an incredible person and courageous enough to post something like this. I think that most of us have had the same thoughts of wanting peace in the same way.

Amanda said...

Some thoughts on peace I thought I would share. ::hugs::

Amanda said...

Amanda said...

I guess it's not going to work. :(

Dee Dee said...

I get it too. Hugs.

Ali said...

I love you and I understand. Wish I could be there right now xox

jillybean said...

I'm so sorry it takes me so long to get around to reading your blog. I just want you to know that I do really care and I think your expressing yourself in this way is so beautiful and I'm so grateful you do, because it helps us all to know how you really are. I'm so glad you are you. You are such a strong woman and a great example to me. I love you!