A year ago

A year ago I learned that the baby I was carrying was dead.

Last night I was thinking about how very nice it would be to go to sleep and never have to ever wake up.

I was surprised that instead of finding the idea appalling, it was appealing.

Very appealing.

In the back of my mind I knew I would not ever take it upon myself to never wake. Equally weighting on my mind was the eternal damnation of my soul, and how horrifying it would be for my children. It's just the very idea of never having to stress about all the things in life that stress us all out was so appealing. The idea of ending my life was not appealing, just the idea of never having to stress... to be at peace forever... is so appealing.

Then one of my living children kept waking up crying and all he wanted was for me to hold him and too be with me, solidifying my life.

I'm not going to do anything. Please don't worry about that, but to pretend like the feelings and thoughts are not there would be to pretend like everything is peachy and swell. This is how losing a baby changed me. I know I'm not alone.

Sometimes life really sucks, other times it's downright crappy.

I can't decide if I want to post this. I'm really not at risk of taking my life or doing anything harmful. I'm worried some of you might get the wrong idea and try to have me committed, or start calling me all hours of the day and night just to make sure I answer the phone. It's not like that.

It's just before Vincent, death seemed so scary. The very idea that someday I would die was horrifying.

That my body would rot.

The unknown of exactly what the next life would be like.

Now, when my time comes I will be ready. I will embrace death with open arms. Who I am is made up within my soul and not my body. When my body dies, my soul will still exist. There is nothing to be afraid of. There is so much more to fear in life than there is in death.

Sometimes I can't help but think about how lucky my baby was.

Stop freaking out.

Really, what's the big deal about desiring a long and happy life? Isn't a short fulfilling life just as rewarding? Maybe it's the ones who live the long life who really got jipped.

I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud.

Consider it in this light. Two people enter college at the same time for the same degree. One is a career students.. It takes him an especially long time to graduate. The other carries a full load and graduates early. Both graduates left with a degree and everything they went to college to receive. One was just prepared for life after college much sooner than the other.

Was the early graduate jipped of their full college experience? What would that entail exactly?? More student debt? Parties they missed? Waiting? Maybe his college friends are bummed becuase they will miss him?

Maybe the career student didn't get it. Maybe that student kept failing tests and needed to take them over and over and over.

and over.

Both fulfilled what the need to fulfill. Nobody got a free pass. No one dropped out. Both completed the course.

Now, I say I'll see you when I graduate. I'm not worried about it. I have things to look forward to after graduation. If you graduate before me or after me it doesn't matter. Sooner or later, we're all going to graduate.

It's late and I'm tired, which probably means this post isn't going to make a lot of sense.