This is my friend, Melody.
For the longest time I was so convinced that Melody didn't like me. That there was something wrong with me that made me less than qualified to be her friend.
The truth is, I am horribly insecure, and I have low self esteem. Melody is amazing, and talented, and successful, and I didn't feel like I had anything to offer her. And so instead of trying to get to know Melody, I pushed my fears onto her and made it her fault..
Now that I've gotten to know her, I realize my perceptions were wrong. Melody never disliked me, and I have very unique talents and abilities that no one else has. I do have a lot to offer.
((I also know myself well enough, that in about 20 minutes when I proof read this post, I'm going to think to myself.. "What are you thinking? You have nothing to offer."))
It's a constant battle.
Most of the time I think I'm losing.
That's why I need friends like Melody, and Ali, and Kat, and Shawna... to help me remember who I am, to build me up. I only have a few amazing people like this in my life, and I would shrivel up and die without them.
Melody, and her sister Kathy are the co-founders of the world wide woman's organization Brave Girls Club.
Brave Girls Club is having their first ever Brave Girls Camp next week. A few weeks ago I blogged about the Brave Girls Camp practice run. This is the real thing. And not only do I get to go.. but I get to go as part of the staff. I am so excited.
I'll be leaving Monday morning and I will be gone all week.
I'd like to share some bits and pieces of a very special book I made at Brave Girls Practice Camp. I'm not sharing the whole thing, because parts of it are too personal, and it was hard enough to put those bits into writing in the book because I have not yet come to accept them. I'm really not ready to share them with the world.. well okay, with the five people who regularly check my blog...
This book is different from anything I have ever done before.. completely new art techniques I'm not use to... lots of paint, and lots of art medium.
(I am such a fan of medium now... oh my.. where have you been all my life??))
The book is titled, "A Little Bird Told Me."
It's full of special quotes and bits of advise that I need in my life right now.
I have worked and reworked the cover so many times I'm not even sure whats hidden in all the layers. Which is kind of an accurate representation of my life right now.
As the cover is now, I don't feel satisfied with it. I want to add leaves to the tree, but I feel unsure of my abilities to do it right.. so I am waiting for inspiration... or till I feel like my talents are up to par.. or till the cows come home. I'm just waiting. My life is in the same place. It's getting there. But it's happening very slowly. And I don't usually know what to do to make it better, and I'm worried if I try I will only make it worse. And so I'm just waiting. Waiting to be shown how.
It's time to stop settling for less. Today. 15 Sep 2009.
I felt like it was important for my birds to be leashed. Because they can not be free, until I am free.
You will fly again.
You have a choice, you ALWAYS have a choice.
I tend to forget this. That I have a choice. I feel so required to be exactly what people expect me to be that I forget who I am. I forget what's important to me, I forget which end is even up, and I forget it doesn't have to be this way.
I have the choice to accept how I am treated. I have a choice to accept who I will let into the "house" that is me. I don't want people there who come in and trash the place, and leave graffiti of nasty mean words all over my walls, and leave me feeling drained and dirty and worthless.
Sometimes when we make a choice it's not always the right choice. And sometimes we need to make the wrong choices... and sometimes the consequences of our choices hurt. And that's okay.
You have what you need to change the parts of your life that are not working... it is time.
You will never regret standing up for what you believe in, no matter how hard it seems at the time.
This is the key to inner peace. This is the key to fortitude. This is the key to sanctification. This is the key to breaking free of the cages and the leash, and everything else that might be holding us back from progressing.. from finding answers, from freedom.
A life of happiness and peace is always possible, make the choice to make it YOUR life.
To wear a leash, one must wake up everyday and put it on, or allow someone else to put one on you. Sometimes it doesn't feel like you have a choice, but you do. Everyday, every minute of everyday, you have the choice.
And yes, a lot of people will be very angry and upset with you when you make the choice that you willnot be wearing the leash any longer. But that is not your fault, or your problem. It is theirs.
It might feel uncomfortable, maybe even difficult, but this is exactly where you need to be for where you want to go.
Sometimes, it's a bit more than uncomfortable or difficult. Sometimes it seems terrifying, impossible, absolutely horrifying. Most of the time it feels so much easier to just say to yourself, and to the world, "Oh never mind... this is soooo very hard. Will someone please help me with this leash? I need to put it on. I need the leash. I need it. Please?"
You are not your past, you are not your mistakes, you are not your pain... you are a perfect, beautiful soul.
Life is a series of beginnings and endings, let the old stuff go, embrace the new.
A thousand unseen helping hands are there to assist you at all times, but you first must know what you want... and then you must ask for it.
Sometimes it feels like so many people around me are holding out a leash, and saying, "Here, you just need to put this back on. Everything will be okay. Just let me help you into your leash." Some of them are not nearly so kind about it, but yell and scream and nash their teeth, demading I return to my leash at once or they will no longer love me.
Sometimes I feel very very alone in my decisions. At these times I rely on the power of God and his ministering angels to help me through.
No one will ever completely understand your pain my sweet friend, but you can heal your pain by trying to understand and comfort the pain of others...
it is such a miracle.
It's okay to focus inward for a while. When you need to fix YOU, but it's much more productive and healing when you can forget yourself and help someone else.
You already know exactly what the answer is... just trust it... it's right.
(That doesn't mean it's going to be easy.. or I won't question it..over and over and over again.)
The back cover.
Brave Girls 09'
This book means a lot ot me, becuase I tend to forget the lessons in this book. sometimes I want to forget the lessons in this book, and sometimes I get so distracted that I don't even realize I've forgotten. I know within the next 24 hours, I will forget and remember over and over again.. but each day, I tend to remember more and forget less.
That's how it works. This thing called change.
This week at Brave Girls Camp should be amazing. I'm refocusing. rebuilding, committing to myself. I can't wait.
Wish you were all coming.