Sometimes I get a bit down and feel like everything is dark, and dreary. It becomes all I can see. When I first wrote this post I was in that place. I had convinced myself it had been dark for so long. It's not a good place to be. Now, I am in a better place, and I have revised most of this now that my vision is not so narrow.
I wrote out some of my timeline.
2007: Pretty care free. Really lacking in the whole life experiences category. Took most everything for granted. Didn't really know what I believed, who I supported, or why I was suppose to do it... and I didn't really care. I just wasn't important, so it was easier to go/do/support who, or what, I was told too.
2008: The year of change. 2008 was a freaking blow to the gut. The kind that leaves me unable to take a breath and feeling like I'm suffocating. And suddenly, nothing and everything matters. But I can't tell which is suppose to be which. Everything is disoriented, and nothing makes any sense. And everyone else moves on with their life, taking the only remaining light with them. And I don't even care.
And the lights go out.
and fix me. Things had to change. I could not move.
It seems so reasonable. And I gain a lot of new, and rather unpleasant titles.
And then comes the sifting of friends.
This part is painful. I don't want to care that people who use to be happy to see me and talk to me now behave as if they don't know me.. as if I have personally made offenses against them. I don't want to care, I really, really, don't want to care, but every unacknowledged passing stings. I want it to feel like I am sifting them, but they are sifting me and placing a value on my soul and worth. There are also the friends that I thought would have been there for me through anything, but instead they turn their backs, and walk away, and never look back. I never should have trusted them...
(Make a mental note never to trust anyone.)
I still don't know... anything about anything. I'm afraid to love my children because it will hurt too bad. And I cut the strings to anyone with power to hurt me, because it's absolutely not worth the risk..
God makes me so angry. I want to hate him so much.
2010: Feels like I'm trying to climb out of the deep canyon, on a wet slope Everything seems very, very, pointless. And very, very, stupid. I'm not even sure why I'm climbing. I feel like everything that seemed real was not. My priorities change, and change again, and change again. I have decided it's okay to love my children because they are just children, and it's worth the risk that they might permanently break me forever. Finally ready to start figuring out what I believe, but it's a long tough road. I'm starting at ground zero, and not in any rush. I don't really care if I die before 'I'm saved' if I don't know what it is to be saved. It's not about defiance, it's about wanting to know the Truth... and not moving forward until I do. It's about refusing to be rushed.
I knowing some people will read that.. and shake their head, and sigh, and damn me to hell because again.. I should know better. I should have a testimony, and I am sooo ungrateful.
I do like it to be warm, so damn away. If you're right... hey, thank you for the eternal warmth. I refuse to just go through the actions.
2010 also brings witness that very few really care about the catalyst in 2008. The ones who do are all people have their own catalyst. No one else can even comprehend
why
I'm
not
over
it.
All they see is the fall, without understanding why.
It doesn't matter if you don't get it.
I build the walls even higher.
And I realize I moved out of my metaphorical house a very long time ago, and it scares me to death to even think about going back in.
Horrifies me.
Looking forwards, I have made no progress, everything is still so far away. Everything is still so very depressing.
But, as I look backwards down the hill I can see how far I have come, and it's encouraging.
I no longer want to give up.
I no longer want to hate.
I'm considering love.
As I look over my timeline it does not begin in 2008, and it does not end now. My mind feels open to perspective, and possibilities, and healing, and strength. This time is so short.
Breathe In.
Breathe out.
xoxo Cam
