and fix me. Things had to change. I could not move.
It seems so reasonable. And I gain a lot of new, and rather unpleasant titles.
And then comes the sifting of friends.
This part is painful. I don't want to care that people who use to be happy to see me and talk to me now behave as if they don't know me.. as if I have personally made offenses against them. I don't want to care, I really, really, don't want to care, but every unacknowledged passing stings. I want it to feel like I am sifting them, but they are sifting me and placing a value on my soul and worth. There are also the friends that I thought would have been there for me through anything, but instead they turn their backs, and walk away, and never look back. I never should have trusted them...
(Make a mental note never to trust anyone.)
I still don't know... anything about anything. I'm afraid to love my children because it will hurt too bad. And I cut the strings to anyone with power to hurt me, because it's absolutely not worth the risk..
God makes me so angry. I want to hate him so much.
2010: Feels like I'm trying to climb out of the deep canyon, on a wet slope Everything seems very, very, pointless. And very, very, stupid. I'm not even sure why I'm climbing. I feel like everything that seemed real was not. My priorities change, and change again, and change again. I have decided it's okay to love my children because they are just children, and it's worth the risk that they might permanently break me forever. Finally ready to start figuring out what I believe, but it's a long tough road. I'm starting at ground zero, and not in any rush. I don't really care if I die before 'I'm saved' if I don't know what it is to be saved. It's not about defiance, it's about wanting to know the Truth... and not moving forward until I do. It's about refusing to be rushed.
I knowing some people will read that.. and shake their head, and sigh, and damn me to hell because again.. I should know better. I should have a testimony, and I am sooo ungrateful.
I do like it to be warm, so damn away. If you're right... hey, thank you for the eternal warmth. I refuse to just go through the actions.
2010 also brings witness that very few really care about the catalyst in 2008. The ones who do are all people have their own catalyst. No one else can even comprehend
All they see is the fall, without understanding why.
It doesn't matter if you don't get it.
I build the walls even higher.