My good old self esteem has been taking a lot of hits lately. I'm dealing with a lot right now that has me pretty down. On top of that, I can't seem to catch a break or win at anything right now. I've been a pretty crabby, mean mom and just haven't really been enjoying life very much at all the past couple weeks.
I've been trying so hard to loose the last 15 lbs of post stillborn baby weight. I don't know anyone who likes their body after having a baby (besides the people who leave the hospital in their prepreg jeans... and we won't talk about those people...) but usually having that sweet little newborn baby justifies the sacrifice. Now I just feel fat. It's not like when I go out to run errands people see a women who is a bit heavy, but carrying a little baby. I just feel like everyone's looking at me like I'm an unattractive women who is clearly unhappy, short tempered, and must be a bit lazy.
I don't get why I haven't been able to loose weight. I eat very carefully, with just a little bit of cheating, but not enough that it would effect my ability to loose weight. I also jog about 1.5 miles almost every evening. It's evident I have made some progress, but no where near where I should be for as hard as I've been working on it.
I took this picture back in May. It's my starting point. About a month after I lost the baby.
I took this picture in mid July. There is a noticeable difference, but not much of one.
Especially considering this picture was taken last September, just 2 months before I got pregnant.
It's almost my birthday. I'm feeling older than I should. I don't feel like I'm part of the young generation anymore and that just means one thing, I'm part of the old generation. If I went to one of those carnival exhibits were they try to guess your age, I bet they would guess older. I hate that, but I don't know what to do to change it.
Today I was on facebook and came across an application to testing your IQ. I really needed a pick me up, and figured I would probably be able to score well on that. I've always thought of myself as slightly above average in the intelligence department... especially since I'm considering the illiteracy rate in my personal assessment. I needed this test to prove it. I answered all the questions and really felt like I had done well. So much so, that at the end of the quiz you're required to do some surveys in order to get your results (I HATE that.) I was so desperate for some reassurance that I'm really doing alright, that I actually did the surveys. Here's the results I got.
I was so depressed, and upset. It seriously got me down. I've been wanting to go back to college and work towards a nursing degree, and I've been thinking maybe I'm not smart enough to be able to do it. I mean, this certified intelligence test says I show signs of being dumb... And I KNOW you've probably noticed at least 2 typo's or grammatical errors in this one post alone.
What If I try to go back and can't pass the entry level classes? I think that might leave me more depressed than not even trying. I'm not giving up the idea yet, I'm just seriously doubting my abilities to even be able to do it.
After all this I was feeling pretty useless and worthless this afternoon and evening. Then Aaron out of nowhere comes up and gives me a big kiss. I realized, it really doesn't matter if I'm not the smartest rock in the bucket, that I'm getting gray hair, or that I'm a little heavier than I want to be. There are so many people who love me, and show that love on a daily basis through their actions. If people, and God, love me then I must be worth something.
I have a lot to be grateful for and I need to just get over myself. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.