Sunday, August 10, 2008

Fat, short, old and dumber than a pile of rocks.

My good old self esteem has been taking a lot of hits lately. I'm dealing with a lot right now that has me pretty down. On top of that, I can't seem to catch a break or win at anything right now. I've been a pretty crabby, mean mom and just haven't really been enjoying life very much at all the past couple weeks.

I've been trying so hard to loose the last 15 lbs of post stillborn baby weight. I don't know anyone who likes their body after having a baby (besides the people who leave the hospital in their prepreg jeans... and we won't talk about those people...) but usually having that sweet little newborn baby justifies the sacrifice. Now I just feel fat. It's not like when I go out to run errands people see a women who is a bit heavy, but carrying a little baby. I just feel like everyone's looking at me like I'm an unattractive women who is clearly unhappy, short tempered, and must be a bit lazy.

I don't get why I haven't been able to loose weight. I eat very carefully, with just a little bit of cheating, but not enough that it would effect my ability to loose weight. I also jog about 1.5 miles almost every evening. It's evident I have made some progress, but no where near where I should be for as hard as I've been working on it.

I took this picture back in May. It's my starting point. About a month after I lost the baby.

I took this picture in mid July. There is a noticeable difference, but not much of one.

Especially considering this picture was taken last September, just 2 months before I got pregnant.

It's almost my birthday. I'm feeling older than I should. I don't feel like I'm part of the young generation anymore and that just means one thing, I'm part of the old generation. If I went to one of those carnival exhibits were they try to guess your age, I bet they would guess older. I hate that, but I don't know what to do to change it.

Today I was on facebook and came across an application to testing your IQ. I really needed a pick me up, and figured I would probably be able to score well on that. I've always thought of myself as slightly above average in the intelligence department... especially since I'm considering the illiteracy rate in my personal assessment. I needed this test to prove it. I answered all the questions and really felt like I had done well. So much so, that at the end of the quiz you're required to do some surveys in order to get your results (I HATE that.) I was so desperate for some reassurance that I'm really doing alright, that I actually did the surveys. Here's the results I got.

I was so depressed, and upset. It seriously got me down. I've been wanting to go back to college and work towards a nursing degree, and I've been thinking maybe I'm not smart enough to be able to do it. I mean, this certified intelligence test says I show signs of being dumb... And I KNOW you've probably noticed at least 2 typo's or grammatical errors in this one post alone.

What If I try to go back and can't pass the entry level classes? I think that might leave me more depressed than not even trying. I'm not giving up the idea yet, I'm just seriously doubting my abilities to even be able to do it.

After all this I was feeling pretty useless and worthless this afternoon and evening. Then Aaron out of nowhere comes up and gives me a big kiss. I realized, it really doesn't matter if I'm not the smartest rock in the bucket, that I'm getting gray hair, or that I'm a little heavier than I want to be. There are so many people who love me, and show that love on a daily basis through their actions. If people, and God, love me then I must be worth something.

I have a lot to be grateful for and I need to just get over myself. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.


Alison said...

Oh Cami, you sound so down. I wish I could magically transport you over here to my loungeroom, where we could sit around in our jammies, eating chocolate icecream and giggling till the wee hours. I think you are the most amazing women, who has been my strength on so many occasions. Not one single day passes that I don't think of you fondly. You are beautiful in so many ways. You are kind, loving and caring and I would dropped my bundle so many times without you to lean on. I love you more than words can express and I think you are one of the most precious gifts God has given me. I am so thankful to have you in my life. Wish I could scoop you up and tell you that in person! I hope you feel better soon. That iq test is a scam, I know for a fact you are increadibly intellegent, and I have the biggest brain (lol, and you the second amongst all my friends!!!) so I must know something about this!!! There are probably a gazillion typos in my comment but I don't care!
Love you Sweetie!!!

Jenna Franklin said...

Sending you a big cyber hug! Alison's right - that "IQ test" is actually just a way to get your email addy and whatever other info you'll give out! No reliable IQ test would say you have signs of being dumb. A good rule of thumb - if the link came from Facebook, Myspace, etc., don't trust it.

I'm right with you on the weight issues though! And I have NO excuse - my "baby" is 7 and a half, lol, and I have now managed to gain back my pregnancy weight as well! It happens. Much as it kills me to admit it, lol! Try finding just one fabulous pair of jeans. Works wonders! I found some this weekend at Old Navy and they even make my lumpy rear look great, lol! Shhh - another great secret? Old Navy seems to be sized large - while I've been squeezing into 10's and even a 12 or two in other brands, these were an 8!! Gotta love brands that look good AND give the old ego a boost!

Dee Dee said...

Cam - I agree the test is a stupid scam to get your email and hurt your feelings. You have founded this a successful eBay group, you designed your own unique craft that was so awesome other people wished it was their idea, you have amazing artistic talent, and you have a sweet and generous spirit about you that makes me feel comforted. I hope things start looking up for you soon. I also love to get my jeans at Old Navy as they make my hiney look great, and they are a size smaller than the rest. :)

Michelle said...

Camille please dont doubt yourself based on some stupid website. First of all, you are not FAT, you look great. I know though how defeating it can feel to not be the "you" that you once were. I know that you know there are other way more important things in life than that.
As for being a nurse, go for it! It is not something that I can easily put into words but the rewards are so much more than money. There is a special feeling you get from getting to spend a moment of someones life with them, good or bad. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry, but you will NEVER be bored being a nurse. You will be able to use your life experience to be a more compassionate and caring nurse, and that is what is important! I went through nursing school with two young boys while working, it was tough, but I did it,so I know you can also.
Good luck to you!

HappyScrapper said...

My friend told me yesterday some things that could help you... think about this... God says He will give us only good thoughts (something like that...put in my own words...) He gives us Peace...anything we think or feel otherwise, stuff that is not good and peaceful,doesn't come from God above -- it comes from the "other" direction. You need to put all those thoughts you are having under your feet and keep them there. The old devil needs to stay UNDER our feet!!! You are better than that! You are beautiful!! I REALLY WISH I WAS YOUR SIZE!!You are really (er, um, hot) and NO I'm not a weirdo!! You really do look good!! and I'm sure you're smart or you wouldn't have come as far as you have... look at all your accomplishments!!Just sit back and look, you'll see! I think going back to school would be great and being a nurse, well, It'll be tough but I'm so sure you'd be a great one!! You seem to really care and so you've got the "hard" part whooped already :)!!
Hope you have a wonderful day!!
Keep your chin up and in the words of my pastor from this past Sunday...
Love ya girl!

Katie said...

was blog-surfing and came across yours...just took the iq test for kicks and giggles and i "earned" a 77 and am considered "dumb" now, too. that said, my actual iq is well above average so i'm inclined to assume that my "score" was lowered because i didn't sign up for their offers. also, it was a poorly written test--i found a couple of errors as i went along. so see, i'm not an idiot and either are you! (glad i didn't offer up my legitimate contact information!)

from what i have read, depression is not uncommon in mothers following a stillbirth. not being mormon, i do not know if your church condones counseling, but it may help you to work through your grief. that also may be impacting your inability to lose weight...hormones affect our bodies differently. just a thought. i am sorry for your loss and it is heartening to see all the photographs of people in your life you love and who love you.

Jesse Edwards said... are gorgeous. Give yourself some time. I remember feeling this way after I had Gracie...mainly because I was at my physical best before that. Still trying to get back down. Give it some time. It's only been a few months. You're beautiful. Don't forget that.