Wednesday, August 27, 2008

When We Come Up For Air.

The past couple weeks have been really bad for me. I just got so down. I felt completely worthless, ugly, stupid, fat.... you name it, if it's a negative emotion I was feeling it.

I'm still hurting so much inside. It feels like the rest of the world is moving on anyway, and I'm stock in some kind of personal vortex. Have you ever seen a child going down a slide, and the poor kid is screaming the death cry the whole way down? That's about how I've felt. Like a screaming child going down the worlds longest corkscrew slide. Down, down, down. You want to get off, but you can't. The people who love you want to help you off, but can't. And so you're stuck. Going down, but not enjoying the ride.

I've questioned everything. Not just about why this happened, but everything I've ever been taught. I've been in a very unhappy place. I did not want to listen to the Lord and I stopped praying. There just didn't seem to be a point in it.

And then the most amazing things started to happen. First I was prompted to do something that turned out to be extremely helpful to someone I love very much. I didn't recognize it as a prompting, until after it happened. It touched me very much that the Lord would allow me to be an instrument in his hands to help someone I love so much when I had turned my back on him. Then yesterday a couple women from church stopped by to visit me and shared the most amazing message with me. They helped to clarify the atonement in a way I had never considered and that my Heavenly Father does suffered the pains of the world. He suffered and shared my pain, every bit of it, and more. I've heard this for a long time, and thought I believed it, but I didn't truly know it in my heart till now. It just didn't seem to apply to me. There have been other things that happened that I don't feel comfortable sharing here, but every time one of these things happened I would get this feeling in my heart that this was my Heavenly Father letting me know he does suffer with me, and has suffered more than me, even over the loss of my little Vincent. He loves me very much, and desires for me to know my worth, and feel joy in it.

I think Heavenly Father allowed me to hit rock bottom just so he could show me how much he loves me and that he really is aware of my pain and loss. So I could really understand it. You never can understand how good water is until you've been without it for days. So it was with me and my Father in Heaven's love.

I didn't realize that when Vincent died it was like a small crack in the windshield. Since his death the crack has been creeping and spreading and growing larger everyday. Some days it slows to a stop and some days it streaks quickly in all directions, but it never recedes. Cracks don't heal themselves. Heat and fire is needed to reform the glass.

Windsheild glass is actually made up of 2 pieces of glass with a heavy duty piece of plastic sandwitched between the two. Because of this the glass must be carefully recycled.

With effective processing, there is no need for windshield glass to be a solid waste.
Once damaged the glass will never be the same again. But it can be recylced into something new, and beautiful, and useful.

This is were I am. In the process of changing permanently into something new. Still useful, still whole, still complete, but different.

I'm not there, but at least now I can understand where I'm at and what's happeneing.


Kindall Klan said...

what a beautiful post! I'm so glad you can feel yourself "heading there." You're an awesome lady, and I will keep praying you can feel Heavenly Father's love!!!!!

ps--yes, Sawyer and the pudding picture was very funny :) Even funnier is that he carried it around with him for a good part of the day until it was finally late enough that I let him eat it :) He wasn't letting it out of his sight!

Kristi M. said...

I love your analogies and perspective. It has really made me understand a little more of how you are feeling . You are so amazing and Heavenly Father is so aware of you.

Jesse Edwards said...

I'm so glad that you were able to feel Heavenly Father's love for you. It's hard sometimes when you feel abandoned to feel like some unseen being could really care...but it's so amazing to feel the realness of God and His power. I think you're amazing, and I don't even know you that well! keep pushing.

Alison said...

You know that I think you are incredible. I wish there words that could let you know just how special I know you are. Thanks for this really personal, touching piece of writing. I actually have tears in my eyes reading it. I love you so much, my heart breaks knowing how much pain you have.
I don't always know what to say but I'm always here for you.

A-me said...


kat said...

ditto....ditto to A LOT of stuff you just said. (if that even makes sense) i love you!

Amber H. said...

Cam, you always put into words what I want to say, but can't. Thanks for your amazing writing ability and for your perspective on things. I understand everything you are feeling! Big hugs :o)

Zoe said...

I want to say lots but not sure whato say so