Vincent Andrew McClelland - April 24th, 2008

Thank you for all of your kind thoughts, words and prayers.

My baby was born on April 24th at about 8:30 am, after about 18 hours of labor. The labor was fairly easy since I had an epideral at the first onset of cramping. The epideral was horrible. It was the first physical pain and discomfort of the whole experience, and while I was lying there on my side, as the anesthesia guy was digging around with his needle in my back, I just kept thinking, "I shouldn't be here." It was the first realization that this was all real. Like someone pinching you to make sure you're not dreaming.

His cord was constricted as it went into his little tummy. I remember the doctor saying the odds of a cord constriction are 1 in 8000. He also had a double knot in his cord, and the cord was wrapped around his neck about 4 or 5 times. My little baby didn't have much of a chance. It was comforting in a way to know that even if we had been able to know what was going on there is absolutely nothing that could have been done. And then in a way it's not so comforting. I can't help but have feelings that maybe the baby decided he didn't want to be with me and did it on purpose. I know it's irrational to think that, but it's hard to not wonder.

There are some things I know for certain. My baby only needed to gain his body and then he needed to return to live with Heavenly Father. The Lord was kind enough to me to allow me to carry him long enough that I was able to feel him moving inside of me. Because I was able to feel his movements, there is no question in my mind that he had a living spirit and is forever linked to my family. If I had lost him early in the pregnancy, before I could feel him move, I would forever wonder if his spirit and body had been united before he died. I needed to be able to feel him move. Also, I know that because of all the complications that his death was not just an accident, or something that wasn't suppose to happen. I mean if only one thing had been wrong... I'm not expressing myself very well... It's just the way things happend is confirmation to me that this was the Lords will. It doesn't make me miss him any less, but it helps me to trust God and find comfort through him.

We named him Vincent Andrew McClelland. His little body was perfect and healthy in every way. We layed him to rest at Dry Creek Cemetary on Friday morning, April 25th. His grave is on a hill, and there is a beautiful view of the valley. I went back on Sunday afternoon to visit. There is not a marker on his grave yet, and I could see were the grass had been moved and replaced. It was a fresh reminder of how little time had passed, even though it feels like forever ago.

I don't feel or look pregnant anymore. I'm afraid in a few days I'm going to begin to wonder if the whole pregnancy was really just a dream and ever happened at all.

For now, I am trying to get back to a regular schedule. It's so easy to just sit for hours and stare off into nothingness with my thoughts and feelings, but for the sake of my little children I need to try to cope better. Its easier when I have things to keep me busy.

Today I have to take Aaron to his speech therapy appointment at the school. Then this afternoon I have an album I am suppose to list on eBay. I really want to try and get it listed. After school the kids have karate class. If I could skip that I would, but the kids really need it for their own emotional well being.

If I can make it through today then I know I can make it through tomorrow and the day after....

The baby

On Sunday I had the sudden realization that I hadn't felt the baby move much in a while. So I started to pay attention. I mean, I think I've gone through that with every pregnancy I've had.. a fleeting feeling that the baby hasn't moved much. Over the past few days as I have really paid attention to fetal movements I have been a bit concerned. All I was feeling was really faint movement, that I couldn't definitively say for sure was the baby.

I called my Dr's office yesterday, and unfortunately, my doctor has just had a baby and is out on maternity leave. They suggested I go to the hospital, labor and delivery, and have then monitor fetal movements for a bit. I was reluctant to go. Our medical insurance really isn't very good and I didn't want to end up with this huge bill when everything was probaby okay. I tried to get a referral to the emergency backup doctor, but he was booked out and suggested the same think, that I go to the hospital. So I called Andy and made arrangements for the kids so we could head over when Andy got home from work.

Once we got to the hospital it was pretty clear from the staff that they see a lot of concerned mommies, and it wasn't that big a deal. We went through registration and right back to a triage room. When the nurse first began to search for a heart beat the first thing we heart was a big rushing, rolling, sound and she said it sounded like the baby was definatly active and rolling around. Over the next 30 seconds as she was having a hard time locating the heart beat things got a bit more serious. After no luck with the first bit of equipment, she pulled out the standard heat rate monitor that the doctor usually uses. I'm sorry, I don't remember the names of the equipment. She tried with the second monitor and still wasn't having any luck, and called the charge nurse. She tried again, and then called for the ultrasound machine. With the ultra sound machine there is a small little display screen off to the side and then the large big monitor where you can usually see all the details. They kept the large monitor turned off.

Without telling me too much, the charge nurse said she was not seeing any movement and went to page the oncall OB. It was a bit confusing since my dr. is on leave, and her back up doctor still appeared on the hospital records as having medical privileges at the hospital I was at. When they called him, he had to tell them he was no longer practicing at their hospital, so then another doctor had to be located. It took a little longer than normal and the nurses were extremely appologetic.

When the OB arrived she confirmed what by now we already knew, that the baby was no longer alive. It was strange becuase no one actually said the words not living, or dead. But it was "no heartbeat," and "in this situation we usually induce within a couple days.. ."

I'm doing alright. Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I was so tired, but I couldn't turn off my brain. I'm so grateful for the knowledge I have of eternal families. I know that the spirit of my baby is forever linked to my family and that one day we will have the opportunity to be with him again. I had the distinct feeling last night that the Lord never specifies how long a spirit must occupy a body, only that a spirit must come to earth and recieve a body. Whether the baby is born alive, or lives to be 100 is irrelevent in the requirements from the Lord that the body and spirit have been united. My baby came to earth, and recieved his body, and how his time here is finished.

It doesn't make it less painful, the feelings of loss and disappointment, but I know I can get through this. I know were my baby's spirit is, and it's comforting.

I'm scared about what comes next. It didn't occure to me until after I spoke witht he OB that I still have to go through ALL of the regular changes that happen to a mother when she gives birth. Labor and delivery, milk coming in, postpardum depression, and then there are also all the decisions about the baby. Where to lay the body to rest, and everything that goes along with that. I'm scared. I don't want to have to face this.

If you pray, please pray for me.

Karate, and riding a two wheeler

On Friday, Noah and Jennica had their first day of Karate class. They were so good!

Jennica was a little worried about going. She was so sure she wouldn't like it, but once class started she was such a master! She naturally has no reservation when it comes to yelling and screaming, so the whole thing was very comfortable to her. She had the biggest smile on all through her class. Of course afterwards, in typical Jennica fashion, she tells me she didn't like it that much.

The instructor looks like he's about 17 yrs old, but he was mentioning how his little girl is beginning to walk, and I got he impression he wasn't a 17 yr old father. He's a really nice guy, and really good with kids.

Noah was a little more reserved in his class. He's much more laid back than Jennica and a lot more casual. His class was also larger. I bet once he gets a little more comfortable with things he'll be yelling and completely confident.

When we got home, and all weekend long, the kids were practicing everything they could remember. They have class again today (Monday) and can't wait.

I didn't get a picture of Aaron, but he was so cute. He insisted on not sitting by me, but sitting by himself a good distance away from my reach. He kept getting up and standing on the edge of the practice mat and repeating what the instructor said and did. You could hear him over there going, "Hi-ya!" and "Yes sir!" It was really cute.

We've been working (on the warm days) on getting Jennica comfortable without training wheels. So far all we had done was raised her training wheels so she wobbled a bit more and and have to balance a bit.

On Saturday afternoon she took it upon herself to try Noahs bike out, without training wheels. When Andy went out to check on her she just said, "Look dad!" and rode down the driveway, over to the neighboors and back! Woohoo! I guess maybe we sould have taken the training wheels off sooner. She's a pro! I'm so proud.

Aaron has just learned to ride a big bike with training wheels this year, and he loves it!

I have a confession... Dandillions are not my favorite flower.

So it all started when Noah was a toddler. Noah loved to pick flowers for me. It didn't matter if he was picking them from our flower beds, or the neighbors flower beds.

Our old house in Meridian had a bad dandillion problem in the front yard. We tried about everything to get rid of them. I would spend hours weeding out the roots... we'd try lawn weed killers, and special fertilizers and still had hords of dandillions. So when Noah started picking flowers, I had told him I loved dandillions, but didn't like all the other flowers. Really I just didn't want the dandillions to go to seed, and I wanted to keep my other flowers in the ground.

So now I have THREE kids who all believe dandillions are my favorite flower. The dandillions have started to bloom so now everytime the kids play outside this is what I get. Handfuls of dandillion heads, that I have to hang onto for at least a bit so I don't hurt any feelings by throwing them away. Lucky for me, they rarely pick them with stems long enough to actually put in water so I don't have to do that.

Since we've moved, our current lawn doesn't have many dandillions at all, which doesn't stop my kids from picking them out of all the neighboors yards and bringing them to me.

I suppose it's better than telling them I love tulips or daffodils. That would be bad news if they were picking all my lovely flowers... and all my neighboors lovely flowers and bringing them to me. So dandillions it is.

Shhhhh... don't tell the kids.

Happy Birthday Andy!

Happy birthday! I found this sweet video for you. Hope you enjoy it.

Don't forget to scroll to the bottom and turn off the music before playing video.

Noah's Cub Scout Plant

A few weeks ago Noah brings home the standard cup full of dirt from Cub Scounts. With a great deal of enthusiasum, he tells us it's mint seeds he planted and he's going to water them and when they grow we can put them in the garden! And oh yeah, "Mom, What is mint anyway?"

It only took a few days for Aaron to help Noah out by taking the cup out in the backyard. Now, I didn't see what happened, but when I caught him with the cup the dirt was, um, mixed with top soil from the back yard.

Noah was so excited about his little plant, especially when it started to spout that I couldn't just throw it out, even though I'm pretty sure Aaron somehow switched out Noah's mint seeds, that he so lovingly planted, with some weeds and grass seeds in the back yard.

Honestly, I'm surprised there is anything growing in the cup at all. It's been over watered, underwatered by Jennica and Aaron, and knocked to the ground by the cat so many times...

So now I have this lovely cup of weeds growing on my kitchen window sill, that I'm probably going to have to transplant into my garden in order to keep Noah from being to upset with Aaron. Aaron looks up to his big brother so much , and just can't help touching and "helping" with anything Noah's got going on... Especially, if Noah isn't around.

PFOP and the 3DT Challenge - It's a baby shower!

I am so pleased to announce our next 3DT challenge. The Three Design Team (3DT) challenge was a concept developed by PFOP as a fun new way to get to know some of our favorite design teams on eBay. It's been a lot of fun working together.

We started with a "Love is in the Air" theme as our challange back in January. Our next challenge, the baby shower, was made by the design team OUAT. Between the time the challenge was announced and now, the OUAT design team dissolved, and several of their members joined our team. So even though this particular challenge only has two design teams, we decided to keep the tag 3DT, and invite a new team to join us on our next challenge.

For my entry into the challenge I wanted to make an album to coordinate with the Eleanor Roosevelt blanket I made a few weeks ago. Here's another look at the blanket:

I am so excited with how the album turned out! It's a fantastic dress shaped album with a handmade beaded hanger to display the album. I'm not going to post all the pictures now, but I will give you a little sneak peak.

You're going to love it!

I do have a question and would love your opinion. I can't decide if I'm going to list the blanket and album in one auction listing, or seperately in two auctions. I'm leaning towards two listings, but what do you think? They are designed to be a set, but listing them together would require I greatly increase the starting bid price. If you have an opinion, let me know!

Making Cookies

Yesterday, while Noah and Jennica were at school, Aaron and I decided to make some homemade whole wheat cookies.

Sounds a little iffy right? Oh they were so good. Really light and fluffy. The flavor was fantastic.

My camera batteries were dying while I was trying to take pictures so I only got a couple.

Enjoy and try the recipe.

This recipe is Renae Corn's. Renae is this awesome farmers wife who just knows how to do the most amazing things with whole wheat.

Renae's Whole Wheat Chocolate Chip Cookies

Mix together and set aside:

2 c whole wheat flour (preferably freshly ground)

1 t salt

2 t baking soda

1 c oatmeal

Mix together, beat until fluffy:

1 c softened butter

1/2 c brown sugar

2 large eggs

1/4 c grandulated sugar

2 t vanilla

Add dry ingredients. Then add:

1 pkg milk chocolate or semi sweet chips

1 c chopped nuts.

Place by tablespoon onto a cookie sheet. Bake for 12 minutes at 350 degrees.

The cookies will come out looking dark.. Like they've burned a bit. This is okay, and normal when using whole wheat flour.

I was going to take a picture of the finished cookies to show you how yummy they look, but they are all gone! I might just make another batch today...

Oh I should note. If you or your family is not used to eating foods with freshly grounds whole wheat make sure to take it easy... Store bought ground flour has been processed to have the bran and the germ removed, both of which are very good for your body, however some people have a harder time digesting it. If someone in your family developes stomache cramps or pain, they still should try to eat whole wheat products, but will want to introduce it into their system just a tiny bit at a time.

22 weeks

So I know I'm due to post more pictures, but I'm beginning to regrete posting them here. I just feel so big already, and I know I still have a long way to go. It's not just my expanding bump, but I'm one of those people who tend to put on a lot of weight in pregnant... weight unrelated to the actual baby. I'm getting pretty self-conscience of my body image.

This is a picture of my sister, my mom, and me. --And just a FYI- I'm standing on the uphill... It's a bit old, I think it was taken in Sept 06. My sister is also pregnant right now. She's beautiful. She's tall and has always been thin. When we're not pregnant, I don't think we're that far off in body weight. I mean she's always had a smaller waist than me, and I tend to carry more muscle, but she's also several inches taller than me. Anyway, she's 6 weeks away from delivery... I'm about 18 weeks away from delivery.

I weigh more than her. I don't begrudge her, I just wish I carried more like her.

What a lovely weekend!

The warm weather has arrived... Well at least it's here visiting for a few days. Yesterday was a beautiful warm day. I never did see the temperature, but it was warm enought to do yard work outside. We cleaned up the back yard a bit, sprayed weeds and tilled a place for the garden. Then we had a picnic at the park for dinner. We even ended up with our first sunburns. Today the tempurature is in the high 70's and I plan on taking advantage of it with an afternoon walk and grilling fish for dinner.

Andy thinks I'm a bit nuts wanting to plant a garden this year, being pregnant and due in August of all things. Maybe he's right, but I have been feeling the need to become more efficient and self reliant. I haven't planted a garden in several years... and the gardens I did plant have never really worked out all that well. This year I'm hoping things will be different. I want tomoatoes, green beans, cukes, zucchini and watermelon to start.

Tomorrow, while the weather is still nice, I plan to get the rest of the garden ready and planted. Then on Tuesday I won't be leaving the house!

There's a Cheese Head in the House

This is Aaron sitting in time out.

Since I'm taking his picure he's very confused as to whether he's actually still in trouble or not.

I swear.. This kid could survive on on his three favorite foods and never feel like he was missing anything. Hotdogs, cheese, and strawberries.

He asked me for a slice of cheese. So I cut him a piece and then I don't recall what happened, but I was called away from the kitchen before I could put the cheese away.

So Aaron went to town with the knife and everything.. I know.. I count my lucky stars he didn't hurt himself. Shame on me for leaving the knife out. But, for heavens sake, look at the cheese!

I should note this was a brand new fresh block of cheese. So I sent him to time out, not for wrecking the cheese so much, as for using a knife. He knows he's not suppose to touch knives.

What confused me after sending him to time out was where all the cheese went. I expected to find a bowl or cup full of all the cheese he had cut off the block, but all I could find were some little crumbs on the floor.

I asked Noah about the missing cheese, after all, he was the one who reported to me, "Mom, there's a huge cheese mess in the kitchen."

So about the cheese, Noah says, "Oh Aaron ate it."

"He ate all that Cheese!?"

"Yup"

Great. Well, I guess if Aaron has problems in the bathroom it will be like a second punishment.

Sneak Peak

I have this scrapbook challenge coming up on eBay. It will be my last listing as a member of PFOP. The theme for the challenge is baby related. I'm not sure if I can announce on my blog the full theme yet, so for now, it's just baby related. I made my Eleanor Roosevelt blanket for the challenge and I've been wanting to create a matching acrylic dress shaped album to list with it.

Today I finally had the time to go pick up the acrylic and get the album cut. I'm posting a picture of the album, against my better judgement... After the whole fiasco with Clear Scraps stealing my house shaped album template right off eBay and manufacturing it as their own design, I've been hesitant to post any of my designs. I don't like that I feel the need to do this also, but, um.. for the record... This template design is my original design and is copyright Camille McClelland 2008...

Oh for Heavens Sake...

Would it get warm already??

Took this picture this morning...

I am so ready for some lovely warm sunshine, flip flop sandles and shorts. Where, oh where is spring??

For a completly different topic, yesterday I went to McDonalds with my friend Mandy and Kristi. They are two of my lovely PFOP friends I met through eBay. We had a play date for our kids, and socialization hour for us moms. It was great. These gals are so much fun. Here are some highlights from the day:

First, we're all just chatting away and Mandy suddenly calls out, "Brayden! What are you doing??" We turn and look, and her little 3 yr old son is sitting with another family eating an ice cream sunday. It was so hilarious! I guess before we arrived he came walking up to Mandy with some other kids drink. Mandy swears she feeds her kids.

Then about an hour later Aaron is standing at the bottum of the slide. You know the pose, every child does it. Straddling the slide, with one foot on each side of the slide, hanging onto the top rim. So he's just standing there, and suddenly I see a LONG yellow stream of urine running out one pant leg, down the slide, and onto the floor. Lovely. It was so stinking funny though. He'd clearly been holding it for a while. So we cleaned up the slide and I took Aaron home... Mandy and Kristi were still laughing as Aaron did his little straight-legged waddle out of the restaurant.

What a fun and memorable day!

Now, on another completely different note, Jennica read her first book yesterday. She needed some prompting from me for sight words like "My" that can't be sounded out, and with some of her letter sounds, but she did it! I'm so proud of her!

The Bullet Jacket

For Christmas Noah got this really cool new coat. It's a black bomber style jacket. He really liked it, but then he's only worn it to school once of twice. I thought it was because the new jacket doesn't have a hood and his old jacket does, so he's warmer in his old jacket. So this morning, while walking with Noah to the bus stop I asked him about it.

me: Why don't you ever wear your new black jacket to school?

Noah: It keeps me too hot. But I'll wear it when you take me hunting.

(What?? Seriously we don't hunt. My husband would like to be a hunter, but his one and only hunting trip involves parking the truck under an apple tree, staying up late telling ghost stories with his hunting buddy... Then about midnight packing up the entire camp in about 30 seconds flat and driving down to the ranger station and sleeping in the parking lot under the brightest street light. I'd give you all the details, but Andy reads my blog sometimes and might be a little embarressed. All in all, it's more than I can say, I've never been hunting at all, nor have I had the desire to go.)

me: When we take you hunting.... Why do you want to wear the jacket hunting?

Noah: Because, remember, it has those three bullet things on the sleeve so I carry three bullets.

The next part ws a little sad as I gently had to break it to Noah that he would probably never get to carry bullets in the sleeve of his jacket. Poor child. I think he's feeling a bit ripped off now.

What a great weekend!

This weekend I had the opportunity to listen to some really inspiring words that seemed to be directed straight to me and my family. Words that inspired and lifted my soal and reminded me of just how important this time right now is, when I have young children who need my attention and love so much. I was encouraged to spend more time with them and to really show them that I loved them, not just tell them.

This special time passes so quickly through our fingers. I can hardly believe my oldest child, whom I can remember every detail about when he was born... and the sleepless nights... and my excitment over every little milestone, and now he's already 8 years old. He's getting so independent. The milestones are so different. Now instead of milestones like first roll over, and first first tooth, it's the first job, first school report...

And my little Jennica girl. The memories I'm having as I go through her old baby clothes to sort them... She's so big already and SO indepenent. I remember a couple years ago dropping her off for her first day of preschool and telling her I would miss her. Her reaction was, "MOM! I'm only going to be gone for a little while!" hehe. At least she still gets a little sad some days about going to kindergarten and just wants to stay home with me.

And Aaron. He seems to have stayed younger to me than he really is. He was a little delayed with crawling and walking and quite delayed with talking. It just felt like time was standing still and he was going to be my little boy forever. Now he has to sing... the same song... over and over through EVERY meal. It's usually Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star (at this particular moment it's Farmer in the Dell.) Even though he had a slow start, I can see how smart he is. A couple weeks ago while we were at the doctors office, Andy showed Aaron a puzzle. The puzzle had about 8-10 ocean related pieces. There was a Jellyfish, a dolphin, an octopus, angel fish, sea horse, ... I can't remember all the others. Anyway, I had been talking to the billing department when Andy first showed Aaron the puzzle. A couple minutes later, when I came back, Aaron showed me each piece one at a time and named them, getting everyone right. Two weeks later we were back at the doctors office and he got the same puzzle out. He didn't remember ever piece and he called the jellyfish a jelly bean (Easter did fall within those two weeks) but I was so surprised. He has great retention and I think he will breeze through school.

And of course I can't forget the baby I'm carrying. I keep congratulating myself because I've made it through the 1/2 way mark, but the baby still seems so small. I haven't been able to feel movement externally yet. I need to remind myself to appreciate this time. I don't plan on having any more children. Sometimes I wonder if that's a mistake. I suppose I question it because I love little children and it's sad to think I'll never have another one, well, after this one anyway. My idenity is so wrapped up in being a mother of small children that I'm not sure I'll know what to do with myself when they start to all grow up. I don't know if I'll be able to become a mother of teenagers, and I know full well, I can't become a mother of adult children. I still feel like an adult child myself most of the time. I wouldn't have a clue what to do with myself. OH... hehe... it just occured to me if I have adult children then it's pretty likely I will have GRANDCHILDREN. That, I know, I can definately do. All the benefits of being a mom without having to bear children. Woohoo! I hope my future daughter in laws will like me because I plan to be around a lot.

I'll leave you with pictures of Jennica and Aaron's hands. Jennica is learning to paint her fingernails on her own, and Aaron isn't quite obssesive enough with being a "manly" boy to know he shouldn't want to have his fingers painted. Jennica did his thumb. Luckily it's slow drying polish so he's wiped most of it off... probably on my couch... before it dried.

Enjoy.

Free Photography Tip of the Day

Many of you might not realize this, but I am a certified Education Specialist, trained by eBay. As part of my training I went through a very basic phototgraphy class that in no way qualifies me as an expert.

That said, here is my free photography tip of the day:

1. Put your dang clothes on!

2. Make sure your image is not reflected in your picture.

Follow these two simple tips and less and less people will look at the pictures of your item for sale and say, "Ewwww! Yuck!"

Only a man...

The following is a picture that was actually posted on eBay of a table for sale. How can you tell the table is being sold be a man??

Sorry if you missed the picture... I have removed it. It was a little, umm.. ewwwww, yuck, and I didn't want a permanent record of it on my blog. The picture showed a lovely table and chair set. Reflected in the mirror on the wall behind the table set was an out of focus reflection of a man who was CLEARLY underdressed. The more I saw the picture on my blog, the more I began to question whether it was an innocent photography error, or some perve trying to find a way to sneak a nudie picture on eBay. Anyway it was funny the first time you saw it, but a little gross everytime after. If you missed it, don't fret, you didn't miss much.

If you figure it out, post the answer in my comments. If not, tune in tomorrow and I'll give you the answer.

You'll laugh your head off...

Bow ties and Baby Showers

I finished the bow ties for Pete and Courtneys wedding. They turned out so cute, I had to post the picture. The boys are going to look so handsome!

My friend Callie asked me to give her some ideas for baby shower invitations for her sister in law. I had this idea for an invitation that resembled a library check out card. Personally, I love how it turned out! The style is exactly me, problem is I'm not sure if's exactly her... I'm thinking about posting the invitation on Etsy as a custom made in the $3.00- $3.50 per price range.. I just can't decide if anyone else will like them as much as I do.