Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The baby

On Sunday I had the sudden realization that I hadn't felt the baby move much in a while. So I started to pay attention. I mean, I think I've gone through that with every pregnancy I've had.. a fleeting feeling that the baby hasn't moved much. Over the past few days as I have really paid attention to fetal movements I have been a bit concerned. All I was feeling was really faint movement, that I couldn't definitively say for sure was the baby.

I called my Dr's office yesterday, and unfortunately, my doctor has just had a baby and is out on maternity leave. They suggested I go to the hospital, labor and delivery, and have then monitor fetal movements for a bit. I was reluctant to go. Our medical insurance really isn't very good and I didn't want to end up with this huge bill when everything was probaby okay. I tried to get a referral to the emergency backup doctor, but he was booked out and suggested the same think, that I go to the hospital. So I called Andy and made arrangements for the kids so we could head over when Andy got home from work.

Once we got to the hospital it was pretty clear from the staff that they see a lot of concerned mommies, and it wasn't that big a deal. We went through registration and right back to a triage room. When the nurse first began to search for a heart beat the first thing we heart was a big rushing, rolling, sound and she said it sounded like the baby was definatly active and rolling around. Over the next 30 seconds as she was having a hard time locating the heart beat things got a bit more serious. After no luck with the first bit of equipment, she pulled out the standard heat rate monitor that the doctor usually uses. I'm sorry, I don't remember the names of the equipment. She tried with the second monitor and still wasn't having any luck, and called the charge nurse. She tried again, and then called for the ultrasound machine. With the ultra sound machine there is a small little display screen off to the side and then the large big monitor where you can usually see all the details. They kept the large monitor turned off.

Without telling me too much, the charge nurse said she was not seeing any movement and went to page the oncall OB. It was a bit confusing since my dr. is on leave, and her back up doctor still appeared on the hospital records as having medical privileges at the hospital I was at. When they called him, he had to tell them he was no longer practicing at their hospital, so then another doctor had to be located. It took a little longer than normal and the nurses were extremely appologetic.

When the OB arrived she confirmed what by now we already knew, that the baby was no longer alive. It was strange becuase no one actually said the words not living, or dead. But it was "no heartbeat," and "in this situation we usually induce within a couple days.. ."

I'm doing alright. Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I was so tired, but I couldn't turn off my brain. I'm so grateful for the knowledge I have of eternal families. I know that the spirit of my baby is forever linked to my family and that one day we will have the opportunity to be with him again. I had the distinct feeling last night that the Lord never specifies how long a spirit must occupy a body, only that a spirit must come to earth and recieve a body. Whether the baby is born alive, or lives to be 100 is irrelevent in the requirements from the Lord that the body and spirit have been united. My baby came to earth, and recieved his body, and how his time here is finished.

It doesn't make it less painful, the feelings of loss and disappointment, but I know I can get through this. I know were my baby's spirit is, and it's comforting.

I'm scared about what comes next. It didn't occure to me until after I spoke witht he OB that I still have to go through ALL of the regular changes that happen to a mother when she gives birth. Labor and delivery, milk coming in, postpardum depression, and then there are also all the decisions about the baby. Where to lay the body to rest, and everything that goes along with that. I'm scared. I don't want to have to face this.

If you pray, please pray for me.

29 comments:

ahalversen (DBA) said...

Camille,
Words cannot express the shock or sadness I am feeling for you right now. Please know that my heart is with you and you are definitely in my prayers through this incredibly trying time. I'm so sorry this has happened. I wish I was there to come be with you and give you a big hug. I know I am far away, but please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Lots of love,
Amber

Dee Dee said...

Cam,

I am so terribly sorry and heartbroken for you, for your baby, and your family. I don't have any idea what to say. Please know that I care, and that I am praying for you right now.

love, Dee Dee

Kristi said...

Oh Cam! I am crying for you as I write this. I am so incredibly sad for you and definately thinking about you. I can not understand what you are experience however I can understand the love that a mother has for a child. It is huge. I too know that your family will be reunited with him someday and that you will have the fantastic opportunity to raise him. I will definately be praying for you and strength to get through this trying time. I love you to pieces!!

Cindy said...

Cam, I'm so deeply saddened by this news. I can only imagine what you must be feeling. You and your family are all in my thoughts and prayers.

scrapn4mygirlz said...

Camille,
I am so sad. I am sorry for what you've been through and all that you now need to face and for the future times that you will miss your little guy. Hugs to you and your family and you are all in my prayers. I am SO SORRY!!

Tammy

michou said...

dear Camille, you probably don't know me, i never leave comment here, but i read you every day .
i just want to say, that i think of you ... and your family ...

Michou

Grannie Delsie said...

Dearest Camille, whilst I have never spoken to you I have listen with joy, love and laughter to tales of your life through the eyes of my darling daughter Alison. My heartfelt prayers are with you - and whilst we can only ponder the 'why' you are right - we can draw strength and peace from our knowledge of eternal families. My love to you .... Delsie

kat said...

cami, i checked your blog knowing that you probably hadnt written..but secretly hoping that you had...just cause i wanted to know everything that you were feeling and what was going on with you....i am so sorry and i love you so much....justin and i will always be here for you and your family, especially through this difficult time. i love you.
kat

Kristine said...

Camille,
I am so terribly sorry that this has happened to you. Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you strength and peace as you cope with all of this.
Kristine

Scrapmymemories said...

Cam, I am so sorry this happened!
I'm lost for words, We are all with you in spirit through this.
Hugs
Zoe

mandbrid said...

Sweet Camille and Andy,
My heart is aching for you...I don't know what else to say.
I love you and my prayers are with you.
Mandy

Britt- Sparkled Vintage Charm said...

my heart truly and totally goes out to you. Please comment on my blog and tell me if there is anything I can do to help you and your family out at all. All my prayers!! xo Britt

Scrap said...

Cam,

I'm so sorry to hear this. It bought tears to my eyes. I can imagine this must be really hard on you and your entire family. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Big hugs!

Shelley said...

Cam,

I'm so sorry to hear this. It bought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine your pain. this must be really hard on you and your entire family. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Big hugs!

Wendy said...

Oh Cam, I love you and wish I could be there to lend strength for you and your family. I wish I could hold your hand and calm your fears, help you plan, and assist through your recovery.
I know the fear you are having and I know that you will persevere and in the end you will have earned a wisdom that will someday be pivotal in the unforeseen future. As difficult and trying as this is, I believe you will acquire a knowledge for which there is no other way to learn, and that knowledge will mean everything at the time that it is needed most. You will be prepared when that day comes. You will be an instrument that makes all the difference.
I am so proud of your bravery and wish I were not so far from you.
Hugs & Prayers,
Wendy

Jujuarts said...

Dear Cam,I'm sorry so sorry. You a very sweet, I now the Heavenly Father love you. I will pray for you and your family.
I wish peace,
With love,

Juliana

Kindall Klan said...

oh cami, I'm so so very sorry! What a strong example you've set with your post! It's ok to be scared, just remember to let the comfort that Heavenly Father offers to touch you! I will be praying extra hard for you and your other sweet kids and Andy! Warm Hugs,
Mistie

Tana Russell said...

Hi There
You dont know me but i felt that i needed to reach out to you. As i was reading i realized how true your words are... that little soul is definitely linked to you all forever. I sincerely believe there is a reason for everything... my son battled cancer and his survival was in Gods hands like everything is. Your whole family is in our prayers.
Tana Russell

Heather said...

Camille-
I'm at loss for what to say other than you & Andy will be in my prayers.
Thinking of you-
Heather Leister

Lynn said...

Hello,
I am praying for you. Twenty years ago I lost my son in stillbirth, much like you. We had but a few minutes after his delivery to hold his tiny little body, but he is still in our hearts.

I survived those first months after with the help of faith and friends. I also found it helpful to read; the book "Stillborn" by John DeFrain (a University of Nebraska researcher) told the stories of many others---and that was somehow comforting...

God be with you.

Lynn
(I came across your blog after seeing your Two Peas gallery)

Alison said...

My Bestfriend,
So many laughs between us, so many things we have in common, who would have thought that we'd share such a tragedy too. I know the pain in your heart, the agony of what you are facing. I love you so very much and am devistated that you have to go through this. I know that our little babies are with our Heavenly Father waiting with his angels for the day we can all be together. I have wept so much for you these last two days, how could my my friend, my dearest friend have to endure so much pain. As you reminded me, you must be an amazing mother, for our Heavenly Father to have trusted you with the care of one of his most precious spirits. I am so sorry I can't be there to wipe your tears from your cheeks. I am here day and night to talk though. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you Cami. Love Alison.

Jesse Edwards said...

Oh my goodness Cami. This must be so difficult. I'm crying with you since I'm sure you have cried a lot. The gospel does give us the greatest peace. I'm here for you and will definitely be praying for you. If you need me to watch your kids or whatever I'm willing to help.

Tea 4 Two Originals said...

Dee,
My heart and love are with you and your family right now. I can't even begin to imagine your feeling of loss. Our Lord will be with you always. I wish I were closer to you and I would be glad to help anyway I could.
Your friend always, Sandra

Anonymous said...

Oh Camille,
I'm so so sorry!! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Christine

Sara said...

Camille, I'm not sure if you remember me I used to work at Chatterbox. My heart is full of so much empathy for you, I understand what you are going through. I too have had a miscarriage far into my pregnancy, not as far as you though. I am so so sorry and I know that there are no words anyone can say to make the hurt in your heart go away. I am here for you and your family. I do believe families are forever and in Heaven you will have a chance to be a Mom to your baby.

Wendy Updegraff said...

Camille-
I am so sorry for you and your family's loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Tifffany said...

Camille,
I just wanted you to know that you are in ours prayers. You have so beautifully expressed yourself and for that I grateful. You have touched to so many others lives through your thoughts and emotions. Shared emotions are a great way to make others meditate about life and how precious it is. We are all blessed by your thoughts and feelings. I know our Heavenly Father will continue to strenghten you in your time of need. Thanks for sure your life with all of us. Please let me know if I can do anything.
Love,
Tiffany Chandler

The Valentine's said...

Im so sorry for your loss my heart breaks for you. But I'm very greatful to know that you know of the plan of salvation and eternal families. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Be strong and know that it is God's will.
Love, Tia

AuBien said...

My heart is with you Camille.