Sunday, May 4, 2008

The Guilt Stage.

I'm feeling guilty.

I usually get bad post pardum anxiety and depression when I have a baby. It's horrible. By far the worst part of pregnancy for me. It's worse than the morning sickness, which is really bad. It's worse than the physical pain and discomfort associated with carrying the baby and having c-sections. It's just bad. In the past I have tried to explain it to people as having the baby and everything is fine, and then the post pardum hits, usually about 36 hours after birth, and it's like someone walking into the room and telling me my new baby has been murdered in the nursery. Now that I've actually been through the death of a baby I can tell you the post pardum is actually worse. With the death of a baby there is the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost, and the knowledge that everything is in Gods hands and will be okay. With postpardum, there is no relief until it's over.

My entire plan with this baby was to start on some anti-depressant drugs a couple weeks before my delivery date in the hopes of avoiding the post pardum. I have never taken anti-depressants. With all the side effects of prescription drugs I just try and avoid them as much as possible. My post pardum is horrible, but usually only lasts for 2 weeks, and then I'm pretty much back to normal, so with my past pregnancies I have just tried my very best to get through it on my own. Finally, with this pregnancy, I just decided going through the post pardum, even for two weeks, just isn't worth it and that I wanted to try and get some help.

Needless to say, when the realization hit me that I was going to have to have my baby now, one of my first thoughts was, "how am I ever going to get through this if the post pardum hits?" I was really worried, so my doctor started me on Prozac as soon as I delivered. The post pardum did not hit at all. I'm not sure if it's because of the Prozac or if there is some other medical reason behind it, but now I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not feeling sad enough. Isn't that just silly?

I also feel guilty that I don't miss being uncomfortable. I feel guilty that I can get out and work hard in the yard all day and enjoy it. I feel guilty for enjoying that I don't feel tired. I feel guilty that I don't feel disappointed about the sleepless nights that I'm not going to have. I feel guilty that I'm not sad about those times with a newborn when the baby cries and cries and you just don't know why and nothing you try seems to work. I do feel sad about missing these things a little bit because all of these things mean I have a healthy baby, but I don't miss actually going through them. It's like if I feel good and I'm comfortable, then I am in some way saying I didn't want my baby. Or if I feel good then I'm saying I'm glad things happened the way they did. Sometimes I wonder if Heavenly Father took my little boy back because I wasn't looking forward to the sleepless nights, when I should have been grateful for them.

It just makes me feel heartless and cold. I'm not sad enough and physically I feel good. It's not that I want to be depressed and miserably uncomfortable, I'm just confused with how I'm feeling.

I feel like I'm getting over things, but I don't want to be.

Not yet anyway.


Scrapmymemories said...

oh Cam you are being very hard on yourself! Nobody seriously looks forward to sleepless nights do they? I never did!
People grieve in different ways and I know it's no-where near the same but I did the same thing when my Nan passed away I dealt with it so well I was feeling so guilty it never actually hit me until a year afterwards! I was everyone elses rock and by the time I needed someone else everyone else was over the worst! It also had alot to do with me moving to Canada also.
But please dont feel guilty for "coping" you still have 3 beautiful children to care for and your doing a fabulous job!

Kristi said...

I would have to agree that you are being so very hard on yourself! What a BLESSING that you are able to deal with it so well. Our Heavenly Father must know that you need this, need this to be there for your precious children, need this to be there for your husband, need this for your own sanity. I can only imagine how quickly it can spiral for the worse. You have been a very fortunate and special mother to be able to bring such a beautiful baby into this world, to gain a body and return to our Heavenly Father. Hang in there.

mandbrid said...

I think the feelings you are having are honest and natural...I know that Heavenly Father is keeping a close eye on you.

ahalversen (DBA) said...

It will be hard enough for you in the next few months..and even years, so it is actually a great blessing that you aren't having as difficult a time as you think you should be having. Believe me, you will have times of sadness, but maybe this is a gift to you to help you through this hard time. I wish I would have had such a gift of perspective when this happened to me. I hope you don't feel bad and don't be too hard on yourself!

Jesse Edwards said...

wow everyone has left some seriously good comments. I'm not very good with words...lot better with color. But from the little that I know you, I think you are great. Someone I would trust with my precious little girl. Having said that, I think Heavenly Father, knowing you even more than me, trusts you a whole lot more than I do. Maybe it's Him helping you see a positive in this so you don't only feel grief. I don't know. But I know you are a good person. Don't let yourself feel guilty. Reading over your past posts, one can feel your pain. I don't think your guilt is from Heavenly Father.

Dee Dee said...

Cam, perhaps the good you are feeling comes straight from God comforting you in this difficult time. I hope that today is a good day for you. Dee2