The Guilt Stage.

I'm feeling guilty.

I usually get bad post pardum anxiety and depression when I have a baby. It's horrible. By far the worst part of pregnancy for me. It's worse than the morning sickness, which is really bad. It's worse than the physical pain and discomfort associated with carrying the baby and having c-sections. It's just bad. In the past I have tried to explain it to people as having the baby and everything is fine, and then the post pardum hits, usually about 36 hours after birth, and it's like someone walking into the room and telling me my new baby has been murdered in the nursery. Now that I've actually been through the death of a baby I can tell you the post pardum is actually worse. With the death of a baby there is the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost, and the knowledge that everything is in Gods hands and will be okay. With postpardum, there is no relief until it's over.

My entire plan with this baby was to start on some anti-depressant drugs a couple weeks before my delivery date in the hopes of avoiding the post pardum. I have never taken anti-depressants. With all the side effects of prescription drugs I just try and avoid them as much as possible. My post pardum is horrible, but usually only lasts for 2 weeks, and then I'm pretty much back to normal, so with my past pregnancies I have just tried my very best to get through it on my own. Finally, with this pregnancy, I just decided going through the post pardum, even for two weeks, just isn't worth it and that I wanted to try and get some help.

Needless to say, when the realization hit me that I was going to have to have my baby now, one of my first thoughts was, "how am I ever going to get through this if the post pardum hits?" I was really worried, so my doctor started me on Prozac as soon as I delivered. The post pardum did not hit at all. I'm not sure if it's because of the Prozac or if there is some other medical reason behind it, but now I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not feeling sad enough. Isn't that just silly?

I also feel guilty that I don't miss being uncomfortable. I feel guilty that I can get out and work hard in the yard all day and enjoy it. I feel guilty for enjoying that I don't feel tired. I feel guilty that I don't feel disappointed about the sleepless nights that I'm not going to have. I feel guilty that I'm not sad about those times with a newborn when the baby cries and cries and you just don't know why and nothing you try seems to work. I do feel sad about missing these things a little bit because all of these things mean I have a healthy baby, but I don't miss actually going through them. It's like if I feel good and I'm comfortable, then I am in some way saying I didn't want my baby. Or if I feel good then I'm saying I'm glad things happened the way they did. Sometimes I wonder if Heavenly Father took my little boy back because I wasn't looking forward to the sleepless nights, when I should have been grateful for them.

It just makes me feel heartless and cold. I'm not sad enough and physically I feel good. It's not that I want to be depressed and miserably uncomfortable, I'm just confused with how I'm feeling.

I feel like I'm getting over things, but I don't want to be.

Not yet anyway.