There is my friend who emailed me long, long, ago when I was just starting out on this pregnancy, and I was really sick with HG (severe morning sickness). At the time I could barely function. My amazing husband had to go to work everyday, come home, cook dinner and feed the kids, help them with their homework, do all the cleaning and laundry, and shopping and just everything, while I spend the majority of everyday just lying in bed feeling like I was going to die.
Anyway, my friend emailed me and asked if there was anything she could do for me. Well there wasn't a lot she could do for me, but I told her if she was ever making a jello or salad and had time to make a second it would really help Andy out to just have a little something extra he didn't have to do. It didn't need to be a full meal or anything, just something that would make it a little. Well, she took that and turned it into making our family a full dinner every Monday. When I started to feel better I told her several times we were doing better and she could certainly stop, but she never did. Her excuse was being in a dinner group and having to cook for extra people on Monday anyway so it wasn't a big deal. She brought us dinner every Monday night for about 4 months, and hardly ever missed a week.
I have several dear friends who have also been through stillbirths. They have really been there for me. Sharing their experiences, how they felt and how they were able to get though the grief. I feel so indebted to them. I know it has been especially difficult for them to read my blog and email with me because it means reliving what they have been threw all over again. I am so grateful for their help and their support.
There are so many comments and emails that have helped me so much.
There are all the comments that so many people are praying for us.
There are the comments, like these, that really speak sense to me:
"May I remind you in the most loving way possible that getting on with your life and working in the garden does not mean you aren't grieving enough! It means you are keeping yourself busy. I can almost guarantee you that if you sat still in a room alone with your thoughts for hours on end, you'd cry, you'd weep and you'd cry for hours. It's human nature to put painful things from our mind and distract ourselves."
"I know you are a good person. Don't let yourself feel guilty. Reading over your past posts, one can feel your pain. I don't think your guilt is from Heavenly Father. " (hmm... I hadn't stopped to consider that!)
There are so many more comments that have been so helpful. These are just the most recent ones that are currently on my mind.
Then there was the first Sunday after everything happened. I desperately wanted to go to church and feel of the spirit and hear the messages that were going to be given, but I REALLY was not mentally ready to go and see all the people, and have to see them face to face and hear their condolances. When you loose a baby, at least for me this was true, there is a feeling of failure, and that was what I felt like at the time, just a big failure, and it was like everyone was going to be saying to me, "I'm so sorry you're such a failure." Anyway, I decided to go to church. We got there a bit late so no one had a chance to come say anything before the meeting began, and then just as the meeting was ended , as we were singing the closing hymn, I decided to get up and sneak out to the car so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. My good friend saw me leave and followed me out. She gave me a big hug and it was just exactly what I needed at the time. She cried with me right there in the parking lot... and I still had time to get to my car and essentially hide before I saw anyone else I knew.
There are all the flowers people brought by or had delivered. When I came home from the hospital and walked into the house for the first time all the pain and greif was momuntarily forgotten and I smelled all the sweet fragrance from the flowers. Andy had told me while I was in the hosiptal that there were flowers, but I didn't ever think about how the house would smell.
On the Friday morning when we buried our baby, we had originally planned for just my husband and I and our kids to go out to the cemetary, and then on Saturday afternoon we would have the family come out and have a special prayer over the grave to dedicate the spot as the resting place for Vincents body. That Friday morning I woke up and realized I was going to leave my babies body out there alone in the ground and I couldn't handle it. Two hours before we were suppose to be at the cemetary I told Andy, "we have to do the dedication today." He called my parents and our bishop and everyone dropped what they were doing and was there. Even my brother and his fiance, who were having their wedding reception later that night. My bishop and his wife, and my brothers, father, and brother in law, who all would have been at work that morning. They all came. We had a lovely service that was thrown together in a matter of minutes, but you never would have known it.
And to my amazing husband. Thank you so much. I love you. I don't know when you have had time to grieve. You have been handling everything for me and just giving me so much time to get through this. You're support has meant everything.
And my parents, who dropped everything and came right to the hospital when we first found out. And then my mom cleared her calendar and was there at the hospital with Andy and me from 11:00 Wednesday morning, till about 10:00 Thursday morning. She took care of all the calls to the cemetary and funeral home and helped us to make all the arrangements. I could not have done any of that on my own. I was so glad she was there to handle it.
My sister and neighboor and friends who have helped take care of my kids.
All the meals people have brought by.
All the cards, and phone calls.
There is just so much more people have done that I'm not mentioning. I am so greatful for the amazing people in my life.
Thank you so very, very, much.