Yesterday, Jennica came to me with her stuffed bunny and said:
"Mommy, when the baby comes, will it be this big?"
Me: "What baby?"
Jennica: "You know, the baby, what's his name again??"
me: "Vincent?"
Jennica: "yeah Vincent. When he comes will he be this big?"
me, feeling slightly annoyed and being a little short tempered: "Jennica, Vincent died."
(I'm not sure why it made me so annoyed that she was asking... I'm still trying to figure that one out.)
Jennica:"I know, but will he be this big when he comes."
me, still feeling annoyed: "Jennica, Vincent is dead, he's not going to be coming, he died."
me, seeing Jennica was confused: "Vincent is dead honey, but he will be with us one day, but it won't be for a very long time, probably not until you're at least a grown up, and probably much longer than that."
By now Jennica was upset, and I began to realize that this whole time we had been telling the children Vincent will be able to be with us and be our baby someday, just not right now. She was equating someday with the near future. Like when she asks, "Mom, can we someday go to the ocean," or "Can we go to Mcdonalds?" and I say, "Someday, but not today." She thought we were going to get our baby back in a matter of weeks or months, not decades, or even centuries.
We had a long talk after that till she was feeling better, and understood a little more.
Aaron, bless his heart, has really become obsessive about death. He's just 3 so he really doesn't understand death so much. I heard him the other day, when he was arguing with the neighbors 5 yr old boy, telling him, "Oh yeah, well your parents are dead!" Of course the parents are not dead, but what a horrible thing for Aaron to be saying. He doesn't understand, he just knows when someone dies it makes people cry, so he's trying to use death to win a fight.
Noah seems to understand pretty well. He's 8 1/2 yrs old now. He will ask me questions about Vincent and he is always serious and a little visibly upset. When we first told the kids about loosing the baby, he started to cry right away. He was very upset. Soon Jennica was crying too. Aaron was upset and calm, but didn't quite understand. Since he's the youngest he hasn't experienced mommy being pregnant and having a new baby like Jennica and Noah have. Without any younger siblings he doesn't quite know what loosing the baby means in terms of what he's going to miss. Jennica and Noah do.
I've ordered some scrapbooking supplies and I'm getting ready to start making an album for all of Vincent's memorabilia. I am so worried I won't be able to get it right. I'm sure I will post pictures once I get started. If anyone has pictures of albums they have done for a stillborn or miscarriage, and you don't mind sharing, please let me know. I'd love to see them.
3 comments:
Cam,
That story was so sweet, sad, and funny all at the same time. How sweet of Jennica to still think the baby was coming. I'm glad you were able to talk things through with her about it. It is always hard to explain those types of things to younger kids.
I have to say that I laughed out loud that Aaron was trying to make that kid cry by telling him that his parents were dead. Sorry, but I thought it was hilarious! I love little kids so much! I always tell Josh that three is my favorite age, and if I could ever just have babies and them come out 3 years old, I would have 10 more. Why can't it be that easy!?! TFS :o)
I can't wait to see your album too, I bet it will be beautiful.
Awww the poor thing! It is very hard for children to understand but I too did giggle a little at Aaron's comments!
I woudnt feel guilty for snapping hunny, I think it's wonderful that you spent the time to explain it to her again!
I would love to see your album, it will be amazing.
I understand the annoyance. Your pain is so fresh, it's awful to have to explain the stark reality. You were so patient to talk it out with her.
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