Friday, May 23, 2008

I need some sunshine.


Today is a cold and cloudy, rainy day. There is quite a bit going on in my mind that I want to write about.


I heard some song lyrics yesterday. I don't remember who the artist was, or the name of the song, or exactly how the lyrics were worded, but they said something about, "This isn't love, Love does not hurt."


Bull crap.


Whoever wrote that song has no concept of the word love. That sounds like a very young teen who's having a fight with her first boyfriend.


Of course love hurts. It's one of the greatest blessings of love to feel the hurt. It makes the joy so much stronger and real and tangable.


I've been very worried lately that I would forget about Vincent and stop loving him over time. Strength and answers have come from the most unexpected people. This email I received is too insightful to not share. I'm keeping the writters identity concealed for her privacy.


Cam, right now, your pain keeps you 'close' to him in spirit...that is true. you actually subconsciously associate grieving as your 'connection' to him. i think you are afraid time will pass...causing your grief to lessen...causing you to lose that connection. we can only hold our babies in spirit now...you have a heightened sense of losing that, so your fear is perfectly normal. there will come a time...for me, it was around 15 months after we lost [ ..]...that i had to 'consciously' let go of my 'grieving connection' to her. by that time, though, i had built *other connections* to her...


...you will do the same thing in your own way. grieving is *unique*...try to erase any expectations you have of how you are 'supposed' to feel and just let yourself *feel* what comes to you. *relax* into your grief. i dont mean to let it over-power you...just to come at it naturally...dont fight it...you simply cannot avoid it; so try to recognize it when it hits (it will surprise you) and walk through it. sometimes just recognizing it and having a good cry will release it until the next wave. spend this time honoring his memory in as many tangeable ways as possible...this process will build your connections to him. when you are ready, let go of the grief connection. grieving and the grief connection are 2 different things. after i let go of my grief connection, i was *celebrating her life MORE than i was mourning her death*.


She's absolutely right. I've been afraid as my grief was fading a little bit every week that my love for my baby was also going to fade. I'm not exactly sure how to disassociate my grief for Vincent with my love for him. Quite honestly, I know it's too early to even try.


I am beginging to find I've been in a bit of denial. I know my baby is gone, but it's just barely beginning to hit me, the permanance of what being gone means.


So many people have commented on how amazed they are by my strength. I don't think I am all that strong. I think I have been emotionally suspended in a state of feeling like this is all temporary. I know in the eternal perspective it is temporary, but eternity seems so far off when each day takes so long to pass. It's just beginning to hit me that I will wonder about what could have beens for Vincent for the rest of my life on earth. That seems like such a long time to be missing him.

I have a firm belief and knowledge of all the things I've been taught regarding where we come from and what happens after we leave this life. I know that knowledge has made it easier to accept and understand death, but it doesn't make the time pass any more quickly.


One month ago today, at this time, we were burying Vincent.

6 comments:

Dee Dee said...

I really don't know what to say, I guess I just wanted you to know someone was listening right now..

Justin Quinn said...

Camille, there is a link to her blog on mine, the Snyders. Seeing these pics of your little ones funeral remind me so much of Madalynn's when she died! I hope you are well, I know that you may not like to talk about it, but my sister could be a HUGE source of inspiration because she has gone through it all before!

Justin

Anonymous said...

Camille you have such a beautiful way of expressing yourself. Just wanted you to know I have been thinking of you.
Michelle

The Scrapbook Exchange said...

You amaze me Camille, you are strong and I'm glad you are sharing your feelings this way. My prayers are with you and your family as time passes by, just for peace in your heart.

Kindall Klan said...

Cami,
thank you for sharing your feelings with us, you're just so sweet and I pray that you'll feel comfort!!!

odiesgirl said...

Cami!

I wish I had known about you... Jill... Vincent... What happened? I mean to us? I miss you. That is beside the point. I have been reading your blog. It has been 9 1/2 years since my second baby was lost. When ever I read or see a story about babies that have gone before their families, that pain is still there. I have NEVER gotten over it, but the pain has lessened over the years. Everytime I see my nephew around his birthday, I think, My baby would be... years old today. I adore my nephew. He is a beautiful baby... I guess boy now! But in a way, I think it is one of those subtle reminders that I was personally given by my heavenly father to remind me that someday, that longed for and so very loved baby will be part of my eternal Family. I look at that wonderful sweet spirited nephew of mine and am grateful, now that years have passed for that blessing to watch him grow into a wonderful person, knowing that I will one day also have that child of my own to raise. Just not right now.

In primary recently my lesson was about yes and no answeres to prayers. It was a wonderful lesson and it brought up the point that no, does not always mean no that it some times mean... not right now. I keep thinking that maybe those of us who suffer those losses are being blessed in other ways, like strength, or to help someone we love. How blessed are we to have the faith that we do, the eternal families and the loving supportive spouses we have to help lift us in our times of need. Last but not least, I have to remember how grateful I personally am for the preisthood. It was the one thing that helped me at 3 months, 6 months, the first year anniversary, and susequent anniversaries after that.

Cami you are so loved.

Your Friend Always...