Today is a cold and cloudy, rainy day. There is quite a bit going on in my mind that I want to write about.
I heard some song lyrics yesterday. I don't remember who the artist was, or the name of the song, or exactly how the lyrics were worded, but they said something about, "This isn't love, Love does not hurt."
Whoever wrote that song has no concept of the word love. That sounds like a very young teen who's having a fight with her first boyfriend.
Of course love hurts. It's one of the greatest blessings of love to feel the hurt. It makes the joy so much stronger and real and tangable.
I've been very worried lately that I would forget about Vincent and stop loving him over time. Strength and answers have come from the most unexpected people. This email I received is too insightful to not share. I'm keeping the writters identity concealed for her privacy.
Cam, right now, your pain keeps you 'close' to him in spirit...that is true. you actually subconsciously associate grieving as your 'connection' to him. i think you are afraid time will pass...causing your grief to lessen...causing you to lose that connection. we can only hold our babies in spirit now...you have a heightened sense of losing that, so your fear is perfectly normal. there will come a time...for me, it was around 15 months after we lost [ ..]...that i had to 'consciously' let go of my 'grieving connection' to her. by that time, though, i had built *other connections* to her...
...you will do the same thing in your own way. grieving is *unique*...try to erase any expectations you have of how you are 'supposed' to feel and just let yourself *feel* what comes to you. *relax* into your grief. i dont mean to let it over-power you...just to come at it naturally...dont fight it...you simply cannot avoid it; so try to recognize it when it hits (it will surprise you) and walk through it. sometimes just recognizing it and having a good cry will release it until the next wave. spend this time honoring his memory in as many tangeable ways as possible...this process will build your connections to him. when you are ready, let go of the grief connection. grieving and the grief connection are 2 different things. after i let go of my grief connection, i was *celebrating her life MORE than i was mourning her death*.
She's absolutely right. I've been afraid as my grief was fading a little bit every week that my love for my baby was also going to fade. I'm not exactly sure how to disassociate my grief for Vincent with my love for him. Quite honestly, I know it's too early to even try.
I am beginging to find I've been in a bit of denial. I know my baby is gone, but it's just barely beginning to hit me, the permanance of what being gone means.
So many people have commented on how amazed they are by my strength. I don't think I am all that strong. I think I have been emotionally suspended in a state of feeling like this is all temporary. I know in the eternal perspective it is temporary, but eternity seems so far off when each day takes so long to pass. It's just beginning to hit me that I will wonder about what could have beens for Vincent for the rest of my life on earth. That seems like such a long time to be missing him.
I have a firm belief and knowledge of all the things I've been taught regarding where we come from and what happens after we leave this life. I know that knowledge has made it easier to accept and understand death, but it doesn't make the time pass any more quickly.
One month ago today, at this time, we were burying Vincent.