Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I forgot my camera!

Oh, I'm such a bad aunt! I forgot the camera when I went to visit Jill. I did remember the flowers, and balloons, and all my kids and my husband, but I forgot the camera. We took quite a few pictures with Jill's camera, but I won't have those pictures for probably several days.

Anyway, the baby is beautiful. And he's so good and seemingly content (at least for the first 16 hours of his life). We were there for about an hour and a half and little John was awake the entire time. He was just looking around and really interested in who was holding him and listening to their voice. He is SO handsome.

Jill went in at about 2 am Monday morning, and wasn't even completely convinced she was in labor. Her contractions were a big irregular, and not all that bad. She said every once in a while she would have a pretty bad one. Anyway, when they got to the hospital she was already dialated to 7, and she had the baby a bit before 4 am. She says it was a pretty easy delivery, even though he is her biggest baby yet.

It was pretty surprising to everyone because Jill's original due date was not till Wednesday, May 21st. This is her fourth child and she has never been early. I guess at around 20 weeks, after Jill's ultrasound, her doctor moved her due date to May 19th, but Jill was so convinced she would be late that just never told anyone the date had been changed. I was over at Jill's last Saturday and she had just had an appointment and her doctor who told her she would be late because nothing was begining to happen yet. So everyone was pretty surprised.

Holding John was a little hard on me. Not too bad, because I am so happy for my sister, but hard because he reminds me I don't have a baby to hold. We also were really looking forward to all the fun the three cousins would have together growing up, my Vincent, Jill's boy John, and Kat's boy Cruz. I was anxious to meet John and hold him because he has the freshest memory of my Vincent. Even though he can't talk and tell me all about Vincent and how much he loves me, I could sense it when John would stare contently into my eyes.

There was one point when I was holding him that he suddenly and very intently started to stare off into the air. If you've ever held a fresh newborn you know what I'm talking about. It's almost like they see something that we can't. It's such a focused stare that it always makes me turn and look to see if something is there, and there is always nothing. I have always thought that as new babies the veil that seperates this world from the next is still very thin and when a baby stares off into nothingness like that there really is a spirit they recognize there, we just can't see it. Anyway, John did this while I was holding him and immediately I felt like he must be seeing Vincent. I mean, surely Vincent was there, at least for a moment. I was nice to be reminded that Vincent is still real and still there, I think of him so much, sometimes I feel like he's just a figment of my imagination.

John was the first baby I know to be born since I lost Vincent. I know quite a few other pregnant women and it concerns me to have to see them all have their new babies. There is one in particular I'm worried about. There is a women I go to church with, and am good friends with, who is due at the same time I was. Her and I have similar body types and carry pregnancy pretty similar. She was due the week before me, and is usually a week early, where I am usually about 2 weeks early, so chances were pretty good we would have been having our babies within a few days of each other. She is a really great women, and has been really sensative to my feelings. But it's hard everytime I see her to not be reminded of how my body would look. I think it's going to be hard when she has her baby. I don't begrudge her her joy, or feel angry towards her for still being pregnant. She has definately had her own trials and struggles to go through when it comes to getting pregnant. I could never feel anything but happiness for her after everything she has been through to have children, but that doesn't mean I don't feel sad for myself at the same time. It's going to be challenging to have Vincent's due date come and hear about her having her baby. Luckily, she is having a girl, and her babies are usually quite a bit smaller than mine so thankfully her baby will not remind me quite so much of Vincent.

Well enough of that.

I still have 20 lbs to loose to get back to my prepregnancy weight. I was hoping to be back down before going to Texas June 10th, but that doesn't seem very likely. Maybe I can get at least 1/2 way there.... But I have to go excersise if I'm going to try.

Love you all!


Dee Dee said...

How sweet to meet your new nephew. I am sorry it was hard on your heart. You are a good friend to have such sorrow, and yet share in your sister's and friends' joy.

mandbrid said...

Cam...I just love you! You are so sweet and honest - just putting your feelings out there - thanks for sharing so much of yourself! I cry my eyes out through every post you write...Just want you to know that I love you friend...

Kristi said...

I completely understand what you are trying to describe with sweet little babies. I have often thought too that they see others that have gone or have yet to come to earth. I have thought that many times with Gunnar and his grandpa that he never met here on this earth. However I know that they met in Heaven. John and Vincent were most likely the best of cousins up there. Hang in there. I really appreciate your honestly and love you even more for it.

kat said...

wow cami, that is really hard...i cant even imagine what you are going through, i just know that you are so strong...im so sorry and i love you so much!

The Scrapbook Exchange said...

Camille... you sound like a strong woman, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I have no idea how this must feel, but you seem to be handling it so well. Good luck to you. :) Melissa, ScrapEx from BTDL

rainedakota said...

Camille, first let me tell you, my heart aches for you and your family as you walk through this difficult time of losing sweet Vincent. There is a unique emptiness that comes with losing a baby. Not only are you facing an emotional loss; but you are dealing with a very real 'physical' loss as well. during pregnancy, our bodies are preparing to hold and nuture a tiny infant...it is our moment, as a mother, to 'experience' the bond that exists in our spirit. you have had to say goodbye before you even said hello; and the sadness of that realization is overwhelming at times....it broke my heart to think of the many 'things' we would never 'do' together.
my precious daughter, dakota raine was born into the arms of Jesus on dec 3, 2003. i was 7 months pregnant when we said goodbye. i actually delivered her myself in the bathroom at the hospital. it sounds scary, but i am so thankful for that 'moment'...she and i were alone...and together; and it was my hands that guided her into this world. she was gone but we spent 6 hours holding her and just 'being' with her. we took photos and the nurse did her footprints and handprints. dakota had trisomy 18 with spina bifida and heart defects; but she was perfect and beautiful in my eyes. i wasnt sure if i would want to see the opening in her back; but once i had her...i wanted to see everything...i wanted to burn the memory into my brain...it was all i had and i had to make it strong enough to last a lifetime. as we prepared to leave the hospital...without our child...i dressed her in a tiny pink gown with a bow. then, i wrapped her in a soft blanket. the funeral home had promised to keep her exactly as i had prepared. her funeral was dec 5th. we played With Hope by steven curtis chapman; and had 'With Hope' inscribed on her tombstome. it seemed fitting that the sun wasnt shining that day...the cold air was filled with so much fog that even the trees were hard to make out. then we went home.
but God hadnt forgotten us. because we live in a rural area, the cost for her funeral was reduced but still reached $1435 between the plot, burial and headstone. it was christmas and we just had to come up with the money right then. we skipped other bills and paid it. on christmas eve, a man knocked on my front door. we had no idea who he was but he handed us $1433 in cash. a local walmart had heard our story and raffled a tv to help with our expenses. i actually laughed out loud at God's obvious gift...then i wondered if i got the headstone wrong because i was off by a few dollars. lol(we paid per letter).
in time, you will have the strength to celebrate vincents *life* more than you mourn his death. but that time isnt now. dont push yourself to 'be alright'...grief is very individual and at times, unexpected. just when i thought i had a grip, it would hit me harder than ever.
i found tangeable ways to 'share' with my daughter. her middle name, raine, is tattooed on my back with pink angel wings. i named my business after her and she has certainly *inspired* me to follow my dreams. while, i cant hold her in my arms, i *know* i carry her spirit in my heart. i sent 'birthday' cards to friends and family the next dec. you will *never* forget vincent. yes, time heals and the pain wont be fresh anymore; but years from now...when you are emailing a friend...who is first experiencing this sadness; tears will come to your eyes...as you share your story...i am sure of it. hugs and peace, tonya

sandyvint said...

camille, i have never personally experienced a loss such as this, but as a labor and delivery nurse, i see a good share of loss, and it touches me each time, just as your story touched me. one of the best things you can do is continue to talk about vincent, he is real, he is your son.....remember the quote,
"Talking about someone
may not bring them back……
But silence does not change
the fact that they are gone..."
you will get thru this...

Lizzy said...

First of all, I wanted to thank you for the sweet comment you left me on my blog! It was so funny that you commented when you did, because I had just barely the day before linked to your blog from Kat's and read your last several posts. I had no idea about everything that was going on! I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I can't imagine. I admire your honesty. I feel like it is so important to feel what you feel. Like how you have lots of times when you feel so sad, but then you had that post about how you felt guilty because you felt good about some things. Learning to live after death is such a journey, to mourn when you feel like mourning and to enjoy life when you feel happy moments. I look forward to looking in on how you are doing along the way. You're in my prayers!